Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 22 June 2012

image for So Like, How Did You Become A Spoofer? - Miley From California Replies One Of The Spoof's Blood Spattered Bastard Offspring

How did you become a spoofer?

Miley from Los Angeles replies:

"Well, it's like I was kicking back, and you know, like chillin' by the hot tub, and I kinda got hooked by this article when I Googled Rob Pattinson...man, he's just soooo buff! And, like, this story came up about Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart being like, ah, real life vampires and stuff, and drinking bloody Mary's, you know?

"You get the joke there? Bloody Mary's? VAMPIRES? Blood? Yeah? It isn't too subtle?

"And I thought, WOW! Like, how cool is that? I don't do politics and stuff, and I don't really care if people are starving in the world, or if they're poor - like, what is that all about? My FB BFF's don't really care about any of that stuff. It's like, ah, most of those people don't understand about personal hygiene and stuff! Yuck!

"Then I read something about how President Obama, like, how he survives on fried chicken, and like, wow! I thought that was so KEWL! I mean, like, that's just amazing! How can a guy survive on fried chicken and not be totally, like, obese? I puzzled over that one for days, and like I even posted it on FB but nobody seemed to really know how a skinny dude can, like, ah, survive solely on fried chicken. Not even my BFFs! LOL! HUGZZZ!

"And then, as I kinda, like, engaged my brain, I found this, like ah, hil-arious story about a vagina, a VAGINA! That kind of blew me away. And then there was one that got me really gettin' off on this website, and it was the one about how the Germans - they're some African tribe, right? From the Himalayas or someplace? - and how they're like, really super-efficient and expert multi-taskers? This piece said that the Germans all waxed, and that the French grew their pubic hair into, like, dreadlocks! And I was like: 'Noooooo!'

"I know a lot about the French - they eat oodles of noodles and they kinda hang out at Machu Pichu in Canada. And they use chopsticks to eat. And that they aren't nearly as disgusting as the Briddish!

"Oh yeah. The Briddish... They have, like, Big Bert and Tower Bridge in New England or someplace, and they're really pompous and fat and they all wear top hats and monocles and stuff.

"Anyways, that's what inspired me to become a Spoofer - I mean, like, the world needs to know that our President is really an Irish Kenyan from, like Burma or someplace, and that he's lost his birth certificate, or something!

"How dumb assed is that?

"So, anyways, I read all these stories, and to be frank, I didn't get most of them, and they didn't sorta make me chuckle or anything, so I thought, I could do that.

"See? That's the difference between America and the rest of the world - we know best, and to hell with y'all who disagree. You know who you are - mainly Russians from Coney Island... Commie Assholes.

"So like, ah, what I decided to do was to exercise a little American authority on this website - sorta like show the pheasants how dumb they really are - like them redneck crackers in that old Burt Reynolds movie - 'Deliverance.'

"When I saw that the site had a chart too, my competetive instincts like, really, ah, kicked in, so I decided to git straight in at number one. Having had a college education and all.

"So I wrote this story - it went straight to number one, and that's why I'm the best damn Spoofer in the whole wide world...

Man With Enormous Penis Falls Into Cavernous Vagina At Selena Gomez's House After Visiting Titty Bar Near Kim Kardashian's Chicken Ranch After Hours Resort!

The man, Delroy Dimwitt, was corn feeding a bunch of sucker fish in the back yard of Hollywood teen queen Nina Dobrev's house, after visiting a titty-bar near Kim Kardashian's Chicken Ranch After Hours Resort and blow job emporium when he was suddenly enveloped by Felicity Fissplap's oversized labia majora.

There was a brief struggle, which culminated in Felicity losing consciousness, before Delroy Dimwitt managed to extricate his head, at which point, Astro-Dog, the canine superhero gay dog leapt to the rescue and locked his teeth onto Dimwitt's hair - which turned out to be a toupee.

Undeterred, heroic Astro-Dog, the superhero gay dog plunged back into the quagmire and heroically managed to pull Dimwitt out from the folds, by locking his jaws on Dimwitt's penis and tugging him out. By the sixskin.

Onlookers, including Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart out of Twilight - who were enjoying a Bloody Mary and having a laugh about vampire zombies who eat tramp's faces, and pretending to be real vampires, raised their glasses to Astro-Dog and complained that America would never have a black President from Chicago, via Hawaii (Near Australia) who was careless enough to lose his birth certificate.

It just couldn't ever happen.

Nor could a total fixation with some guy from Brooklyn's cockatoo. (And distinctly not in a closet gay fascinated way.)

That would be pretentious.

More as they send us the ammunition.
*****

"And like, ah, that was it really. I got bored with the Spoof after my story recorded 76 million hits, making me the unrivalled number one of all time, and I moved on to be the top troll of all time on Wikibollocks, and a well respected voice of authority on breast augmentation procedures, cross dressing, and power puddle jumping.

"Wearing a Tutu. And acrylic teeth. Oh, and a pork pie hat..."

No mas. Por favor...no mas...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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