Written by Oleg the Tumor
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Tags: interview

Sunday, 10 June 2012

image for U. Pei Me - A few minutes with a World Famous Architect Those Crazy Birds in Cleveland

BIG APPLE NEWS SERVICE - A slight unassuming man, even while wearing a $3000 suit, U. Pei Me is finding out the hard way that being a world-class architect is a lot more than just pushing the print button and watching the money roll in.

Recently, we caught up to Dr. Me at his New York offices on Fifth Avenue. He charged me $850 to have this conversation about his work, some customer complaints and America's political direction.

"These people expect me to talk for free. What's with that? I haven't got the time. I can't even afford to mow my own lawn. Have to hire somebody every time. Push comes to shove; my genius is worth more than all your brains and luck together added up. Here's the deal: I design project - you pay for it. No, like? There door. Hit road, Jack.

People wait for Me. That joke, get it? My name, "Me". Ha Ha. Me no wait for you.

Who are you, the President? So what? You control nothing. You can't keep shit secret.
Wikileaks pee all over you. Not a question of losing face. Now losing neck. Bathwater getting hot and you know it.

You Fed Boss, Chairman Bernanke? You nobody. You puppet with strings that go you know not where. Leave check on table and get out.

You Mitt Romney? You should lie down. You sick. You think you can herd cats? You dumber than you look. Brains make money sometimes, not other way around. Not smart to be born wealthy without eyes to see with, ears to hear. Can only go downhill from there.

You Ron Paul? Handy to have around if wife having baby. Otherwise doddering old fool. Probably fall down stairs and break neck on way to inauguration.

Oleg the Tumor: The people of Cleveland, Ohio, feel cheated out of the $2 million you charged the city to design a landmark there. What happened?

Dr. Me: So, stupid birds ripped the silicone out of all the Windows. So what? Am I supposed to guarantee birds won't shit all over it either?

Oleg the Tumor: The city had to hire another contractor to fix all the leaks. Didn't this hurt your reputation?

Dr. Me: Not at all. Cleveland wanted a famous name on the plaque out in front because it helped with the financing, and that's what they got. Screw them. Cleveland is for the birds anyway. I hope the whole thing falls over into the lake.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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