On the 22nd of January 1879 a company of Royal Logistics corps found its way to the Buffalo River on the boarder of the Natal Province and Zulu Kingdom. They had been filling in the shit pits at a camp in Isandlwana when a pride of lions had mistaken them for short legged Spruce Gazelles.
Being British soldiers first and shit shovelers second, they did the honourable thing and legged it.
"What the fuck do we do now?" asked Sergeant Danton.
"Find somewhere quiet and relaxing for the night" answered Corporal Pinxit.
"Did anyone see a bed and breakfast hotel on the map?" enquired Captain Skoob.
"My aunt Nelly has a B and B in Worthing" said RSM Lynton wringing out his socks.
"Will she have vacancies this time of year?" laughed Colonel Erskin.
"She's always got vacancies have you tasted her bacon sausage and egg?" smiled Danton.
"Right lads, let us move off this river before the fucking Hippo's decide to have a go" advised Skoob.
The Troop made their way up a small hill, as they reached the top an encampment came into view, at first they laid up for a while and watched for movement before approaching the unknown.
"What can you see?" asked Colonel Erskin.
"A woman with big tits" answered RSM Lynton.
"Okay men! Let's go" ordered Captain Skoob.
With that, the soldiers packed up and marched in a disorderly fashion to their destination. Twenty minutes later they ambled through a small wooden gate that led into a yard buffeted by three small white washed buildings made from wattle and mud, with thatched roofs. The first building had a large red dot painted on a white door. The second a cross of St Peter carved into the wall and the third a sign that read, "2/2Div Bat Eng 4/5th". From a small mustard coloured tent, with the words "Latrine" painted in green, emerged a tall man dressed in the uniform of The Royal Engineers.
"Sar!" shouted the Engineer, stamping in his foot and saluting Colonel Erskin.
"Fuck me, I've gone deaf" said Erskin.
"Two four three Sergeant Major Bovine reporting sar!" shouted the Sergeant.
"Is he fucking deaf?" asked Erskin turning to Captain Skoob.
"He's one of those proper soldiers" answered Skoob.
"You're supposed to salute him back" offered Lynton.
"And stamp your foot" advised Danton
"Tell him to get you a bottle of brandy and some cigarettes" said Pinxit.
"Stand easy Sergeant" started Erskin "I am Colonel Eskin of 22 SAS, where are we".
"You is in Rooks Droft sar, a small mission station wot was put here for hexploritory purposes to try and find out where those fukin Zulu's is keepin their gold, Sar" explained the engineer.
"Ask him where the woman with the big tits has gone" whispered Lynton.
"Where is the woman with the, I mean, who is in charge here" asked Erskin.
"You is Sar, you is the senior hofficer" answered Bovine.
"Another easy day at the office then" smiled Skoob.
"My men and I are tired Bovine, where can we billet?" enquired Erskin.
"You is welcome to the battery hoffice Sar" offered Bovine.
"Right men, stow away in the Battery office and get the kettle on" ordered RSM Lynton.
"I wonder where the bird with the big tits has gone" said Pinxit.
"If she has any sense she will be half way to Wandsworth by now" replied Danton.
"Dismissed Bovine" said Erskin as he strolled in the direction of the office.
Our band of illegitimate SAS troops made themselves at home in the Battery office. Pinxit slept on the desk, Lynton cradled himself on the filling cabinet, Skoob slung a blanket between the rafters, Danton ensconced himself on a shelf and Erskin slept soundly in the battery safe. All was quiet.
Two hours later, Sergeant Major Bovine came crashing into the room.
"Sar! Sar! Please wake up! The Zulus is gathering on the horizon!"
"Is that you mother?" answered Skoob.
"God you have big tits" said Pinxit wiping the sleep from his eyes.
"For fucks sake Gloria give it a rest!" shouted Lynton putting his erection away.
"What do you mean, am I a lady boy?" said Danton rubbing his thigh.
"Pass the relish" replied Erskin sitting up on his elbow.
"Sar! There is farsands of them" insisted Bovine.