Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 20 April 2012

image for Joan Rivers Says That Christina Aguilera Needs To Cut Back On The Burgers, Pizza, and Burritos Pizza is one of the foods that Joan "The Moan" Rivers says Christina Aguilera needs to say no to.

MANHATTAN - Reality TV star Joan Rivers, who stars in Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best? and The Fashion Police was having lunch with her plain-featured platitudinous daughter Melissa at the highly popular Cinderella Cafeteria.

The two Yiddish gals were easily overheard talking about having watched Christina Aguilera perform the other night on The Voice.

Joan, 78, who was having a spinach stuffed bagel and a glass of diet water, gasped at the singer's tremendous weight gain.

Meanwhile Melissa, who is 44, giggled as she said that she also could not believe that Christina would get up on stage in a tight fitting body suit knowing that she looked like the Jersey Shore's Snooki Polizzi except that Aguilera is not pregnant, can sing, and speaks English.

Joan "The Moan" quickly added that the last time she saw a pair of thighs like Aguilera's they were sitting underneath Gabourey Sidibe.

Melissa divulged that she actually had to send her young son Cooper Dooper Endicott, 11, out of the room to prevent him from being traumatized.

Mama Rivers pointed out that Christina needs to do two things; one, she needs to get out of that lounge chair and do some exercising and two, she needs to just say no to food.

Melissa remarked that Aggie has to eat, and Joan interrupted by saying, "Yes, but not enough for three or four professional wrestlers."

The younger Rivers took a bite out of her mayonnaise sandwich and told her mother that if she ever gets that fat to please duct tape her mouth shut.

Joan laughed as she said that she will be texting, emailing, and calling Christina "Da Thighs" Aguilera and suggest that she seriously cut back on the burgers, the pizza, and the burritos.

On This Date In History. 115 years ago the first Boston Marathon was held. A total of 16 runners participated in the 189 mile run. Since none of the runners managed to finish the race, the following year the distance was cut down to 26 miles.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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