Written by Skoob1999
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Sunday, 13 May 2012

image for Announcements - Dorking Library Lectures 2012 Ms Crystal Knight Checks Her Notes Before Last Year's Lecture

Dorking Library has finally announced details of its Summer Lectures schedule, accidentally timed to clash with the Olympic Games and a brand new series of Downton Abbey on the television.

24/05/12 - Secrets Of Successful Stand Up Comedy

French stand up comedy legend, Ricardo La Tete reveals how he took the Paris stand up scene by storm, and shares the secrets of his success with the good burghers of Dorking. Highlights include how to select an appropriate hooped shirt, the mystery of the beret, comedy bicycle riding, the art of wearing a ridiculously large comedy moustache, how to say "Aaagh Huuurgh!" to maximum effect, pinching ladies posteriors and gurning.

£2.00 on the door. Concessions £0.75

31/05/12 - Manchester United Made My Life Hell

Liverpool born performance artist, Mickey McWhack presides over a slideshow of Manchester United football triumphs over the last twenty years whilst projectile vomiting into a number of brightly coloured plastic buckets.

£1.50 on the door. Concessions £0.65 *Free disposable plastic raincoats for rows 1&2

07/06/12 - Stuck Up The Khumbu

Vertigo plagued Alpinist, Randall Peake, presents a moving lecture describing his spectacularly failed Everest expedition of 2009, where he froze rigid on the Khumbu Icefall half way across a ladder, straddling a crevasse, and with an eighty foot serac threatening to fall on his head and squash him at any moment. Peake reveals how his ordeal ended only when sixteen Sherpas beat the living daylights out of him in order to get him to let go of the ladder and hauled him back to Base Camp. He speaks eloquently and emotionally about how he hates the Himalayas and of how he never quite got over contracting a frightening bout of diahhroeah in Kathmandu.

£2.00 on the door. Concessions £0.76 * Including a free booklet explaining that only proper mountaineers should be allowed on the highest peaks, because amateurs tend to end up dead.

14/06/12 - Extreme DIY For The Disabled

Accident prone DIY TV expert, Tommy Welch, who lost both legs, one arm and his tool belt in totally separate accidents, involving a circular saw, a chainsaw, and a combination electrical short circuit/gas explosion which propelled him forcibly from a fourth floor tower block window in Salford, gives a moving lecture which essentially covers how to use a power drill with one hand. Providing there are no accidents involving power cables and gas leaks.

£0.50 on the door. Concessions free.

21/06/12 - Make Your Barbie Go With A Bang!

Local barbie chef, Barney Burns, a convicted arsonist, lectures on how to make your back garden Olympic year barbie go with a bang - avoiding the mistakes he made during his apprenticeship in the barbie business. Such as having at least five barbecues burning out of control, resulting in three burned out garden sheds, five destroyed fences, an exploding petrol mower, and a seriously singed hedgehog.. Barney tells you exactly how to avoid such disasters, by explaining how accelerants are essential to a successful barbie, and how to avoid burning your own hair/face off in the process. He also reveals the art of how to grill charred sausages and undercook shit burgers from Riceland. Oh - and how not to look like a complete James Blunt whilst wearing shorts, a Hawaiian style shirt, flip-flops, and carrying a spatula. In the pissing rain. Without any obvious punctuation, and completely oblivious to the hosepipe ban.

Free Admission - Insurance recommended.

28/06/12 - How To Put Your Foot In It And Become Universally Loathed

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, gives an illuminating lecture regarding how everything he ever does or says seems to keep coming out wrong. He says he doesn't mean it, but nobody is ever sure that he means a word that he says. Describing himself as 'the most pissed off man on the planet' Shuttlecock goes on to relate how his meagre contribution to the overstock book shop staple, The Dorking Review, changed his life. Shuttlecock promises to be wearing the one and only truly original pork pie hat - complete with spag bol stains - during the lecture, and that he will suffer the outrageous slings and arrows of Dorking residents with good grace. The lecture reputedly climaxes with Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne, viciously beating him about the head with a cast iron skillet. Whilst roundly denouncing him as 'a twat of the highest order.' Although the latter is yet to be confirmed.

Admission Free - But A Can Of Stella Would Be Gratefully Accepted.

05/07/12 - How To Flog Cheap Tat On TV Antique Shows

Self appointed 'Dodgy Dealer' and rip-off merchant Danny Bunuel gives a frank lecture describing how to con antique dealers on shows like 'Dickinson's Real Deal' and 'The Antiques Roadshow.' Bunuel describes how most antique dealers are proper mugs who will part with hard cash for any old tat. Danny's mantra: "Conning antique dealers and the taxman is simple - there's a mug punter born every minute," has become a nationally adopted catchphrase in Nigeria.

Admission £350 Concessions £700

12/07/12 - Accidents - And How To Have Them

Dorking everyman, Frank Spencer, gives an illuminating talk on how to successfully experience serious accidents and claim thousands of pounds in compensation from everybody, including local authorities, employers, motorists, and retail outlets. Includes amusing vintage film footage of Frank's roller skate rampage through the town in the 1970s. Featuring a guest appearance by one of Frank's former neighbours who has been sectioned since 1976 for being a stressed out sociopath as a direct result of Frank's tomfoolery. And Frank setting some fireworks off - up his arse.

Admission £1 Concessions £3

19/07/12 - Online Trolling For Beginners

Internationally renowned internet troll, Boris The Doris, gives an illuminating insight into the world of internet trollery. Boris (Wearing a mask) explains how to confuse genuine internet users by masking your true identity, and how to spread frustration by acting like a complete arse at all times. Includes a 'How To' guide covering topics such as cutting and hurtful remarks in 140 characters on Twatter, and setting up bogus Arsebook accounts. Next season, Boris explains how to send death threats via email.

Admission £10 Concessions Free

26/07/12 - Successful Binge Drinking For Young Ladies

Notorious Dorking binge drinker, Ms Crystal Knight, gives an illuminating talk aimed at young Dorking ladies, explaining the fine art of getting absolutely hammered on the weekends. Ms Knight takes us through the entire process, from Tequila Slammers at breakfast time, to being taken from behind against a skip up a back alley by a taxi driver at three am in the pouring rain, whilst noshing on a doner kebab with one's knickers in one's handbag, before roundly abusing a female police officer using choice language and collapsing in a heap outside KFC and not moving until the paramedics come. Then being violently sick all over the pavement.

Admission 1 Bottle of Tequila Concessions 1 litre bottle of White Lightning

02/08/12 - Why The Olympics Are Shit

Legendary Dorking layabout, Terry Sloth gives an illuminating talk about what a big waste of time the Olympic games are. Sloth points out that it's far easier to sit on the couch drinking beer, farting, eating Doritos and scratching your arse, than it is to waste years of your life honing your body and mind into a state of perfect fitness only to see the medals handed out to an Ethiopian long distance runner, an Aussie swimmer, or a Russian gymnast.

Admission £10 Concessions Free

Further information is available at Dorking Library from the lady librarian who wears her hair in a seriously frumpy scraped back style, and looks a bit owlish in her horn rimmed spectacles, but despite all of which is probably a right little raver underneath.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

Share/Bookmark

Go to top