Written by Matt Brown
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Thursday, 12 April 2012

Time for a friend audit me thinks, EVERYBODY'S gotta know about this so I'll put it as my status for at least 5 days, or until I get 50 comments on it. Makes me feel like a g6 like a g6 like a g6 you know. I don't give away my friendship that easily so some people have just got to learn where the line is and know that they shouldn't cross it, know what I'm saying yeah my house my rules. Welcome to the unfriend zone, you've just been deleted biaatch. That's like my calling card, clever right? OMG LOL ROFL I shouted that to my Grandma on Sunday and was all like 'you better recognize', but I don't think she did recognize because I saw her hearing aid on the kitchen table on my way out.

Ok so right now I have 1,400 friends and I'm gonna use Facebook's new app (friend or frenemy) that shows you just how much time you spend with each friend. Well obvs I'm not getting rid of Jenna, Nicole, RaChelle or Shawna cos we've been besties since like before we were born. Seriously, Jenna says we went shopping together in heaven, but she also thinks that her dog can spell sofisticated because it went to some snooty obedience school. Hang on just gotta search for them B.O.B lyrics for my status so it makes it seem like I wrote them. Got to love it though, 'Airplanes in the night sky like shooting stars'. Those lyrics are so truthful. That and 'Let me see that booty' by The Dream. That song is so me you know, it really speaks to me.

Ok so the app says that I have spent about 1% of my time with school friends since senior prom (that's JNRS). It says I've spent 80% of my time sleeping around with 'the situation' type deadbeats whom I've met in da club. These guys are so desperate for sex they'd probably let me snap it off. It also says I spend way too much time hanging out with dudebro's who are into that MMA crap. The last 19% is the time I spend hanging out with my homie's down at the unemployment office, smooth bunch. Think I can cut it down to about 1,300. I need my space but I am flexible you know.

So I overheard this business guy on the TV and he was all 'you cannot have the Euro Zone without the Fiscal Union' so I thought I'd tweet the show because I've got some pretty important opinions. Told them that was complete bull and that they should be talking about more important issues. I mean Selena Gomez has had a burritto on her face for like a week, we need to tell her!

Anyway I'm pregnant now so got to be thinking about the future. Gonna' get a booster seat for the car cos I heard you get a big fine for not using one with kids. Might struggle to fit in it soon though. I mean that's just like unpossible.

Ciao for now

John

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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