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Friday, 9 February 2007

Here is the fourth chapter of the continuing saga of novelist F. Buller's latest novel. Serialized here exclusively in The Spoof.

Read Chapter One - Three here

Chapter Four

Dear reader, no doubt you have wondered what kind of parents would bestow upon a helpless child such a derisive appellation as Buster Fuckhead. Well I'm glad you asked or at least I'm glad I asked you to ask. You see this was no helpless child even from the start. Even as a fetus the kicking and odd tickling sensations his mother experienced throughout this excruciating pregnancy caused mother and dad to refer to this torturous in utero life form as "a real buster!"

Night and day the cursed bearer of this far from blessed event would be twisting up her face in all manner of grotesque expressions. Emitting bedeviling braying sounds La Senora Fuckhead (her Mexican heritage) cooljerked and salsa-ed her way to Buster's birthday.

Perhaps his male gender was one of the few tender mercies life bestows; for one could only imagine the fate of a girl child dubbed Buster.

The surname Fuckhead has a somewhat more complicated etymology. Its original form from the Anglo-Saxon was Fuerkenhede. A genealogical search conducted by a Fuckhead Mormon ancestor-yes, the Fuckhead family tree was overgrown with branches from most of this world's religions and some seemingly otherworldly Weltanschaaungs - uncovered a brutal Anglo-Saxon warlord named Schicken Fuerkenhede. The name was given to him according to legend at the Battle of Bievertalle where it was reported that Schicken savagely pierced (that's the verb, fuerken, the skulls (hede) of his dying victims with a corkscrew - like lance of his own sadistic fashioning.

The tales that were told of the horrifying countenances forever fixed on the physiognomy of these unfortunates terrified young and old alike. Schicken the Skull-Piercer became one of the most feared warriors and later, dreaded rulers of the land. He was known particularly for the insane tortures he devised for the court jesters who failed to amuse him.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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