Written by Bureau
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

image for The Giant Chicken Of Goosey Holler, Kentucky (Bluegrass #7) Nope, not this one either!

(1947 At Pete's Country Store)


Pete's Country Store is crowded with at least seven people when Aunt Edna comes in to order her snuff.

"I'll need a couple boxes of Honeydipper Snuff, Pete. Why's everbody here. Somebody have an unexpected baby?"

"You and that snuff. They say that and cigarettes causes cancer Aunt Edna."

"Shoot. That stuff gets me through the day. Also works as a enimah. Can't be that bad."

"You'll be sorry when you git it at both ends. Not really a bright idee to dip if you asked me. In fact it's purdy dumb."

"Nobody asked you as I recall. Besides, who waz it that sent in two dollars and a haff for that kit to 'Grow Your Own Shoetree' on the radio?"

"Everbody's here 'bout that big chicken and the pack of dogs keepin us awake all night."

"I saw it up close and it waz a giant chicken", says Hardin Long. "I waz coming home from a late poker...Rook game. I admit I was a little lit up, but that big feathered thang suddenly passed me by with at least a dozen dogs hair-lippin it down the road. Nearly filled my britches. Never seed anythang like hit before & hope I never do again."

"It waz my youngen's what saw it over at our place", stated Dinky Wimpole. "Me and the old lady were going at it real good and hopin' fer a boy this time when all over sudden, the girls all screamed real loud...threw me off my rithem and off the bed..said they seen a giant chicken and whut waz we doing naked. One sailed rite under the bed and we lacked to have never got her out. Then the dogs barked all night. We had to postpone trying for our first boy and we both being firstrated didn't help going to sleep none neither."

"Millie Phelps says she saw a Big Hoot Owl", stated Harley Wolff.

"Naw, you all got it wrong. I saw it plain as day", says Teddy Suckard. "It was a giant Humminbird. I heard it hummin. I seed it's pecker too and it was long and thin. Chickens ain't got no long thin peckers! Looked to me it was tryin to excape the dog pack and trying to get enuff speed to fly. One of Fester Ray's coon hounds nipped it in the ass and it screeched so loud, I run home and closed ever winder and door and nailed them all shut. Took me two hours to pull all them nails back out this morning."

(Pete) "Maybe it waz a Screech Owl?"

"Chicken!"

"Hummin Bird!"

"Hoot Owl!"

"Listen! Maybe it waz a live DooDoo Bird. Them thangs are eggstink! We could catch it and sell it fer a fortune to some of them eggheads. Dinky, lets lure it into a trap. Pete you got any DooDoo Bird seed?"

"Sold the last 25-pound bag yesterday. I'll have to order you some more from the Idiots Catalogue."

"Here comes Edith Snotgrass, biggest gossip in three counties, she'll know what it waz."

"Hi everbody. Somebody have an unexpected child?"

Everyone begins talking at once until Edith blows a loud fart so they'd stop.

"Lissen everbody. That was Peeper Ray you all saw. Now, now lissen! Ludden Smith Jr. caught Peeper lookin in his bedroom winder and he sent his boy, Junior, out to get his brothers and them big old Smith boys caught Peeper red-handed. One of the boys brought back a plunger from visiting the city...they have bathrooms indoors...you know that?"

"Don't look like that would be saniterry."

"Well, they tied the plunger over Peeper's head so he couldin talk, put a glove on top of his head, took off all his clothes and pored sugar molasses on him. Then they dumped a pile of feathers all over him, put frog feet on his feet, tied his arms to his sides and set the dogs on him. Docker Buckhorn is over thar attendin to him now."

"Is he hurt bad?"

"Purdy chewed-up in the tailfeathers from what I heard and that comes straight from Peeper's Mama. I think she's got Depudy Pudd coming over to pick him up and take him to the hospittle."

"EEEeeeeeeeeeewheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Wow! Wow! Wow! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

"There he goes now."

"Why's Depudy Pudd got his head hanging out the car winder screaming?"

"His sirene broke and the county haint got enough money to get him a new one."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

Share/Bookmark

Go to top ^