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Tuesday, 14 February 2012

image for Serengeti. A tale of woe Colonel Colon not getting his Knighthood

Two men paddled furiously, the canoe making little headway.
a scorching sun, high in the sky, bore down on thier backs, making the task arduous and painful.

"We've run out water sir!". Shouted private Parts.

"Dam!" Replied Colonel Colon. "We will have to drink our own urine until we can find a stream of pond, dig in Parts!"

"No sir! I mean we have run out of river, there is no more water under the canoe".

"What! you mean we have been paddling this canoe over land? How long have we been doing that Parts?" Exclaimed Colon.

"For about ten miles sir", bleated Parts.

"Why didn't you say something man!" Retorted Colon.

"Didn't want to wake you Sir". cried Parts.

"Canoe paddliiinnggg....Halt!" Shouted Colonel Colon.

The two men gave up thier paddles, and the canoe came to a slow stop on the rough scorched earth. Colonel Colon looked around him, unwrapped his map, and spoke.

"Right, lets hide the canoe, and start off on foot toward our destination, we should not be too far away, maybe two days marching at the most, can you handle that Parts"?

"Why dont we just take the bus sir?" Enquired Parts.

"Because we have just missed it" Said Colon.

The two men walked in the direction of away, after a few hours, Colonel Colon told Parts to break camp for the night.

"Are you sure the Serengeti is this way sir?" Asked Parts.

"Why do you ask? Enquired Colon.

"We are in a car park" Sniggered Parts.

"Blast!" Roared Colon. "I've been reading the A to Z of London, wheres my map of Africa?"

"You wiped your arse on it sir, last night". Replied Parts.

Colonel Colon stood staring into the distance, a look of strained worry on his sun burnt face, "It must be here somewhere for gods sake, its big enough". He mused.

"Begging pardon sir, what exactly are we looking for?" Asked Parts, with a sense of trepidation.

"The Serengeti, Parts, we have been sent here, on a secret mission, by Her Majesty, to steal the Serengeti, and take it back to England, where the Queen will reopen a safari park, and restore the good name of Windsor".

"You mean......Windsor Safari Park Sir!" Exclaimed Parts.

"The very same, Parts, at this moment, the Queen and her family are sweeping the paths and painting the gates ready for our triumphant return".

"What will the Africans say when they realise the Serengeti has been stolen, I mean...it will leave a huge gap and someone is bound to notice the silence." Asked Parts.

"Thats why we have produced a cut out copy of the Serengeti and made a cd of the animals from London Zoo, they wont notice until we are long gone, and the batteries have died in the cd player, by that time, the Serengeti will be disguised as Windsor Safari Park."

"Will it fit in my rucksack sir?" Asked Parts.

"Of course parts, every detail of this mission has been tried and tested nothing can go wrong" Replied Colon.

"Begging pardon sir" Said Parts, "When we jumped out that airplane last night, did you check with the pilot where we were going to land? Just askin sir".

"Yes I did Parts, and he confirmed our position, I heard him shout, "Serengeti!" And thats when we jumped".

"Seemed a bit quick that flight sir, you know, for Africa". Said Parts, as he stirred the kettle of Heinz soup.

Colonel Colon removed his boots, and replaced them with slippers, he broke out his Briar, and filled the air with the aroma of cherry blossom boot polish.

"Parts, you have been my Batman, for ten years, have I ever got it wrong? Have I ever put you in danger? Have I ever let you down?" Enquired Colon.

"No sir, quite true, never let me down sir"

"Then whats bothering you dam it man!" Shouted Colon.

"Well sir, if we are in Africa, and thats where the Serengeti is, why does that sign up there say; "Staines Council No Overnight Parking" Sir?"

"Blast! There goes the Knighthood"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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