Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Tuesday, 31 January 2012

image for Spanza47b. (Part Four) Time Travel - But is close close enough?

"I'll 'ave t' make this me last one Fred 'cause that clock up on the wall there is sayin' it's five past seven 'n' me darts match at The Golden Lion kicks off at eight. Takes ten minutes t' walk there from this boozer annal.

Did I say I've got the dog back indoors now? Yeah she's indoors now playin' wiv me slippers I expect. I've called 'er Marilyn. Friendly little fing she is. Better than finishin' up in Spanza47's oven eh!

Anyways, so at that moment in time we're gawd knows where or when, just in a sort of in-between time I s'pose it'd be called, some sort ov limbo like. So I asks 'er, I says, 'Sorry darlin' but I don't fink I understands you. Wajja mean when sayin' we can't take this little dog back to the same moment in time? Should be a piece of cake wiv a time machine I'd 'ave fort.'

She's 'ummin' 'n' 'arrin' perched on 'er saddle, but not answerin' me Fred. I'm finking t' meself 'there's sumfin rong 'ere me ol' son.' So I says to 'er, I says, 'spit it out girl, explain t' me why yer can't take this little dog 'ome to where she belongs?'

'Well,' she says, 'this time travel malarkey doesn't work in the same way as winding back the frames of an old Laurel and Hardy film reel. In between each of the frames on that reel of film would have been instances of time not recorded by the film in the camera' she says. Don't fink she used the word malarkey mind. 'A time machine' she explained, 'could in theory land on one of those frame points in time exactly, but most probably it will land somewhere and when in between any two of those recorded time frame points on that reel of film. Could miss the dot by a millionth of a second or by trillionths of a second.'

Made sense when she explained it t' me like 'cause when yer finks abaat it we're not really watchin' a moving picture on the screen are we Fred, just a number ov individual still pictures like.

'We could get close to where we'd been' she said, 'but it's highly unlikely we'd arrive where we were.'

'Well,' I said, 'I can't see 'ow a tiny bit out is gonna make much diff'rence like.'

'That man on the beach won't ever see his little dog again,' says Spanza47b,'We'd just be starting off a totally new future alongside the one where that man no longer has his dog.'

'Oh, I see.' I said. 'Anyway' says she, 'I'm not turning my vehicle around just to take a silly litttle dog back.'

Well Fred, I was gettin' concerned like. 'So 'ow you gonna get me to where I was in my garden then?' I asks, 'Because I've been gorn f' must be gettin' on for 'n' 'our so presumably the clock in my kitchen's been tickin' while I've been time travellin' wiv you girl.'

'Well' she says, 'Obviously I'll be adding on the time you've spent on this vehicle, plus the time you were on the beach, but it's still unlikely you'll be finishing up at the exact point in time where you'd have been had you never stepped out from your original timeline. I'll do my best but I could miss it by a fraction.'

'Miss it by a fraction' I says wiv raised voice, 'so what will be 'appenin' that fraction ov a second away from where I'd 'ave been then?' I asked.

'Good question that is' she replies. 'Your guess is as good as mine, but presumably you won't be there from the point of view of those who are there.'

I'm finkin' dear oh dear, what have I let meself in for 'ere. I wasn't 'appy abaat it Fred, I tells yer I wasn't 'appy abaat it at all mate.

'Well all I knows is I wants t' go 'ome girl' I says, 'I've got t' be up f' work in the mornin' so I 'ave.'

'Don't you go raising your voice at me' she says, 'I've a good mind to take you and that yappy dog to the time of the prehistoric monsters and leave you both there.' She starts fumpin' away at the computer bit annoyed like then says, 'Arrived...sort ov...abaat...like!'

Not blamin' Spanza47b Fred y'know, but I do fink she might 'ave told me that these time machines are a bit unreliable when it comes to accuracy and precision. She should 'ave said. Wishing I'd never gone to Miami wiv 'er Fred. Much better beach at Clacton anyway it is.

'You're back in your garden,' she said a bit 'uffy like.

Yeah Fred, whereas you 'n' me are now sittin' in our chairs in this boozer enjoyin' our little chat, in all probability there's anuvver you sittin' in that chair a fraction of a second away all on 'yer lonesome like, wonderin' why I 'aven't turned up for our regular Wednesday drink mate.

Invited 'er in for a cuppa tea as you do. 'No thanks,' she said, 'I'd better be on my way.' Still seemed a bit annoyed wiv me for appearin' ungrateful like. Couldn't leave it like that Fred obviously.

'I can't let you go wivout so much as a cup 'o tea inside yer' I says. 'And a sandwich? Doancher wanna cheese sandwich?' I asked.

'Well maybe I could pop in for five minutes' she said, more friendly again like. 'Milk no sugar for me' she said wiv a little smile on 'er face.

Showed 'er in like. 'Watch out f' the broken glass on the floor' I said. 'Go in there to my livin' room and I'll close the door 'n' switch on me fire.' Plonks 'erself dan in me armchair she does. 'Make yerself comfortable' I says.

So I sorts out a cheese sandwich for 'er and a cuppa tea in me kitchen, makin' sure not t' get any broken glass in 'er sandwich. Little dog's just runnin' abaat in the garden like, gettin' familiar wiv 'er new surroundings.'

'There yer go girl' I says, 'get that dan yer.'
'I've been doing that number puzzle in your newspaper' she says, 'I hope you don't mind.'

'Oh, feel free' I replies, 'I can't do those soddin' fings.'

So she's just sittin' there in me armchair drinkin' tea, eatin' 'er cheese sandwich, 'nd writin' in numbers in the squares ov me paper's puzzle.

Finishes 'er tea 'n' sandwich like, then says she'll be off on and on 'er way. Well time was gettin' on like.

'Okay luv, if you insist' I says.

Showed 'er back out t' the flying saucer in me back garden like. 'Don't I get a kiss?' she says. Gave 'er a little kiss like, then she gets back up into 'er spaceship.

'Don't be a stranger' I calls. 'Any time you're in this area always feel free t' pop dan t' see me' I says, 'but next time try banging on me back door wiv those 'orns instead of breaking me window again.' I could 'ear 'er larfin' from inside the flying saucer. Gawd what a terrible larf she 'as Fred. Did call out that she'd come and see me again though.

Just before she closes the door on 'er spaceship I tosses in a little goin' away present like. Tossed 'er in the broom I 'ad by me back door.
'What's this?' she called out.
'It's a broom' I called back.

Wiv that the flying saucer and Spanza47b were whoosh 'nd gawn mate.

Anyway I'd better be off meself Fred if I'm gonna get a few practice throws in before the start of the darts match tonight. Not that I win many games what wiv my countin'. Never was any good wiv figures. Oh, I almost forgot. When she'd gawn and I went back indoors t' me livin' room I 'ad a look at the puzzle she'd been doin' in me Daily Express. Only filled in two lines she 'ad. She'd put two eights in one line, and two fours in the uvver. Mind you Fred, those Sodtodoku puzzles in that paper are bloomin' 'ard mate.

Right, I'm off. Take care mate. Nice conversation as usual. See yer back 'ere same time next week. Ta la Fred.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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