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Thursday, 26 January 2012

image for Elvis Presley - You were always on my mind Christ! It's not that bloody woman is it?

The following notes are taken from case study number 37, vis-a-vis Wendy Box, who has been admitted to ward 15 following over half a century of infatuation with the late American singer Elvis Presley.

Elvis Presley first came to the attention of Wendy Box in 1956 when he released the song Heartbreak Hotel. The young Miss Box, then a 14 year old schoolgirl, would pass her free time in the Red Cat Coffee Bar in her home town of Wigan where she would constantly play the record on the coffee bar's juke-box. Whatever money that was left after feeding the juke-box was spent on the purchase of newspapers and magazines that featured articles of the singer.

A childhood friend, Doreen Everett (later Doreen Boating) recalled that Wendy was 'mad on Elvis'
"She was absoltely crazy about him. But then we all were then, so it wasn't really anything out of the ordinary".

In 1960 Elvis Presley briefly stopped at Prestwick Airport in Glasgow, where he changed planes while returning to America after completing his military service in Germany.
Having learnt that Mr Presley would be landing in the UK, Wendy Box travelled to Glasgow, and caught a distant glimpse of him from the public viewing gallery as he descended the steps of his aircraft. Despite being 2-300 yards away, Ms Box was convinced that Elvis had looked directly at her, and that the moment that their eyes met, he had fallen madly and irrevocably in love with her.
She had fainted at this point and was brought round some minutes later by airport medical staff, by which time Elvis Presley had transferred to the aircraft that would return him to the USA.

Wendy spent the next few years collecting items for her 'bottom drawer' in the misguided expectation that Elvis would shortly return to Britain to collect her. During this period she kept abreast of his movements by visiting the local cinema to view the various films that he was starring in.

Her first brush with the Police came in 1966 when she was given a caution for throwing a carton of Kia-ora orange squash at the screen of the Roxy Cinema, during a scene in the film Paradise Hawaiian Style in which her beloved was seen to kiss his co-star Miss Julie Parrish.

When Elvis Presley married Pricilla Beaulieu in 1967, Ms Box convinced herself that he had mistaken Pricilla for herself. This despite the fact that Wendy Box was a foot taller, forty-five pounds heavier, had different coloured hair and spoke with a totally different accent to the new Mrs Presley. She therefore wrote a long, rambling letter to Mr Presley pointing out his mistake. The letter was returned to her, marked, somewhat ironically 'return to sender'. Ms Box construed that this was a code employed by Elvis that confirmed his love for her.

By 1970, Wendy Box had decided that Mr Presley was being held against his will by the evil Pricilla, and his manager Colonel Tom Parker, and that she would have to travel to America in order to release him.

Having only a small income from her job as a production assistant at the local meat-pie factory meant that she could only afford a one-way flight ticket. This didn't bother her as she fully expected to spend the rest of her life living with Elvis in Graceland once she had kicked Pricilla out of the house.

It did however, bother the US immigration service who refused her entry at Atlanta airport as she could not produce a return flight ticket and refused to purchase one. They therefore put her on the first flight back to England at the US taxpayers expense. For good measure they also banned her from entering the States for 7 years, as while she was being questioned by officials at Atlanta she had assaulted a female member of staff, and thrown a filing cabinet through the window of the interview room.

In 1973, Elvis and Pricilla Presley divorced, which produced a further torrent of letters from Wendy Box, each one slightly more hysterical than the last.

None of these were answered.

By the time the ban from the USA was lifted in 1977, she had bought a return ticket to America, had booked a hire-car and had reserved a room in a Nashville hotel for a period of three months. She had also armed herself with a floor plan of Gracelands, and had pre-purchased a step-ladder and a crowbar from a local hardware store both items of which would be waiting for her on her arrival.

Two days before she was due to fly out, Elvis Presley spoilt her planned romantic reunion by dying on the toilet.

Despite this, Wendy Box visited Gracelands. Although her trip was cut short when she was caught smearing dog-shit under the door handles of Colonel Tom Parker's car. This resulted in her being deported and banned from re-entering for a second time.

By 1984 Ms Box had evolved the theory that Elvis Presley had faked his own death in order to escape from his life in America, and had secretly come to Britain to search for her. Reasoning that he would most likely earn his living in England as a singer, and that he would sing his own songs as he knew them better than anyone else did, she began to tour the country visiting clubs that had Elvis impersonators working there in the expectation that one of them would actually be the real Elvis.

She knew in her own mind that when Elvis spotted her they would fall into each others arms. In order to make sure that he didn't accidentally overlook her, she took to throwing her knickers at whoever was impersonating Elvis on stage at the time.
Her voluminous underwear winging towards the performers like a drunken seagull in a bed-sheet had a tendency to startle the acts, and it is known that on at least three occasions the singers refused to come back on stage for the second-half of their performances.

By 2011 Wendy Box was known and feared by Elvis impersonators throughout the land, and it was assumed by most people that she was a 'silly old maid' who while being a pain in the arse, didn't really do much harm other than disturb the performers; Most of whom had learnt to ignore her, and knew when to duck to avoid being hit by flying underwear.

She did however have a secret admirer; A man called Ernie Brackett. He had tried to catch her eye on a number of occasions without success. Therefore in order to impress her, he changed his name by deed poll to Elvis Presley, dyed his hair, purchased an 'Elvis style' rhinestone studded costume and entered himself in a local Elvis singing competition.

Although being short, fat, bespectacled and unable to sing, he performed as best he could, and was half-way through a strangled version of American Trilogy when a pair of Wendy's substantial drawers hit him in the face. He wiped his heavily perspiring brow with them, and unlike every other singer that had been struck by Wendy's knickers, came down from the stage and serenaded her with an off-key rendition of Love me Tender.

Wendy and Elvis/Ernie were married six months later.

I love happy endings, don't you? (ed).

Unfortunately, three weeks after the wedding, Wendy Presley (nee Box) found her husband's passport at the bottom of his sock drawer which showed that her husband had been born in Accrington, rather than Nashville as she had initially thought. Thus disproving that he was the 'real' Elvis.

When he returned home from the pub that evening, and was fumbling in his pocket for his front door key, he was struck on the head by a Dansette record player that his wife had dropped onto him from an upstairs window. The blow killing him instantly.

Following her conviction for manslaughter, Mrs Presley was declared criminally insane and transferred to the secure hospital wing where studies are continuing.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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