Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 30 December 2011

image for Top Ten Rundown - Most Annoying News Items From 2011 It Was Him! He Started It!

Many things annoy us, from women leaving the toilet seat down, public transport, the price of fuel and annoying junk mail, to women who complain you left the toilet seat up, family members who come visiting and never quite seem to know when it's time they fucked off, taxes, computer viruses and people who talk absolute bollocks about subjects they know nothing about.

Here's our chart rundown of the ten most annoying news items of 2011.

10 - Osama Bin Laden.

Yup. They nailed him. It can't have been that much of a surprise that it happened eventually. Not even to Bin Laden. He must have known what the likely outcome would be. A triumph for military intelligence. A ten year search two wars and only one wrecked helicopter. It's annoying when armchair and keyboard warriors point out ad nauseum how good that was. Especially considering that it was a Democrat government led by a black man who issued the ultimate sanction. Eat your heart out Sarah Palin.

09 - Occupy Wall Street.

Nothing wrong with occupying Wall Street. After all, we're the poor schmucks who bail these bastards out. By rights, they should be brought to account and made to pay for their crimes. What's annoying is that most Americans wholeheartedly approved of the 'Occupy' movement, yet those with vested interests and a few bucks to protect showed a total lack of patriotism by selling their countrymen down the river in pursuit of their own selfish interests. And that the most selfish of all individuals came out and slagged off the movement as filthy, work shy, disease ridden troublemakers, yet seemed quite content to allow the NYPD let their pepper spray and nightsticks do the talking for them. Maybe if they got off their fat asses occasionally, they could do something more positive than talk bollocks.

08 - Anthony Weiner

Nobody disputes that what this creep did was wrong. He tweeted pics of his wedding tackle to a number of females. Which is maybe not such a wise thing to do for a politician. What was annoying was that an internal affair became by decree 'an international outrage' because everybody in the States seems to think that the world revolves around them. The rest of us didn't really give a toss either way, and we'll be forever grateful that y'all posted about 8 million so called satirical internet comments about it. We really needed that. For fucking weeks on end. How many stories can be written about something as inane as that? And why would anyone think it remotely significant? A guy who has a name descriptive of a hot dog sausage who flashes his cock is pretty much a one gag story. It didn't warrant months of rehashes. That's fucking annoying - especially when as a casual observer, one doesn't find it funny the 7 millionth time around.

07 - Riots In London

As if we Brits don't already have an inferiority complex, we really needed it pointed out to us by the rest of the world that the riots were a politically inspired phenomenon brought out onto the streets by our society's cast-offs and outcasts. Disillusioned principally by social and political exclusion. That proved to be annoying. In reality it was just a bunch of opportunist thieves running amok and nicking whatever they could get their hands on because they're too fucking idle to drag their lazy fat arses out of bed in the morning and work a proper job.

06 - David Cameron & Change

In fairness to that nice Mister Cameron, he did promise the nation 'change,' in his election campaign, and he did deliver on that promise. He did so by reverting to Thatcherite policies, and making the low paid, hard working sections of society pay through the nose to bail out his public school chums in the banking sector. Whilst still not implementing any kind of legal controls, or kerbing multi-billion pound bonuses for the bankers who dropped us all in the shit in the first place. Which was kind of him. Having said that, he did make a stand on Europe. A bit like that other Tory twat, Neville Chamberlain, and we all know where that got us. That's annoying.

05 - Eurozone Crisis

This one's annoying. Mainly because there was no need for it. Greedy investors blew trillions of Euros investing in clapboard shacks in Alabama and impossible returns from a culture which gave us the great depression. And were then left scratching their heads when people who packed rubber gloves for a living couldn't keep up the repayments on million dollar mortgages. That kind of economic model failed miserably in the 1920s, and again in the 1970s. Still, some people gambled on the failed economic model and hoped that it would be third time lucky. And that's annoying.

04 - Libya

What was really annoying about this one was that the USA sorted the whole mess out, with drones and shit. They didn't. It was the British and the French who were instrumental in supporting the Libyan uprising. Not bad going for two nations whose combined GDP could barely afford a pastrami sandwich from a New York deli. Not surprising though, as everybody knows the US Navy Seals really won the battle of Agincourt. And won WWII on the Eastern Front. If Hollywood's rewriting of history is to be believed. How could we ever forget Tom Hank's heroics at the siege of Stalingrad? That's annoying. (With apologies to decent Americans, who appreciate that there's more to real life warfare than pressing buttons on an X-Box handset.)

03 - Breast Implants

Not only do they not look right, or feel right, they can actually kill naive women who believe that they'll somehow look more attractive with a pair of plastic pudding bowls surgically attached to their chests. And the worst of it is, that certain males find it attractive, and never stop twatting on about it. That's just an Oedipus fixation, or a buttock fixation, but however you look at it - it's fucking annoying. Not to mention unbelievably shallow. If your wife's tits weren't up to scratch when you married her, then maybe you should have married somebody else. Like Katie Price, or Jodie Marsh. I bet they make scintillating conversation round the dinner table. And that's annoying.

02 - Manchester City Football Club

According to popular belief, everybody in Manchester supports Manchester City FC. That's not true. And it's annoying. Proper City fans are okay, but even they got annoying when they won their first trophy in 35 years, and twats like the Gallagher brothers and Eddie Large and that fucking Rick Wakeman (Who doesn't even come from Manchester) don't do them any favours. The noisy neighbours are as annoying as a neighbour who plays Whitney Bastard Houston's 'I Will Always Love You' at full blast at three in the morning. Come back in 20 years when you've won 20 league titles you Moss Side muppets. Then we'll annoy you. Again.

We've had the countdown - now for 2011's most annoying.

Cue fanfare and drum roll.

01 - The Dorking Review

Although it at first appeared to be a relatively innocuous project, funded by a couple of investors and featuring a bunch of aspiring humourists, this humble offering proved to be the year's most contentious event. At least for some people. In a mad internet frenzy, certain individuals got so annoyed by the publication of this book that they took the time and trouble to condemn it on internet review sites, write damning and utterly untrue articles about the book and its authors on just about every available website, and even went so far as to upset family members of the writers by continual allegations of sexual abnormalities, and taking the moral high ground in the process. Whilst themselves writing pseudo pornographic pieces about Hollywood teen stars, and generally whipping their dumb asses into a masturbatory frenzy.

All of which would have been fair enough, had they been prepared to foot the bill to the investors for lost sales due to negative publicity. But the investors held faith with the product, and a second volume is to follow.

It remains to be seen whether any of the sex Gods and Goddesses who epitomise sporting prowess and intellectual superiority will ever possess the bollocks to post a YouTube video in support of their allegations?

Or maybe they're all pug ugly and bald with squeaky voices.

That's annoying.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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