Written by mikewadestr
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Tags: God

Sunday, 11 December 2011

image for An Apology from God All that I can say is that I'm sorry.

What can I say? I am The Almighty God who is more commonly known as "The Big Cheese". I am not perfect I've made some mistakes in my infinite time being God, but it's not like I ever had any guidance or education to prepare me for being God. I pretty much had to wing it on the fly.

For an infinite period of time, me being God, pretty much nothing happened. My first idea and attempt at anything was to create the earth and the universe. I had never created any planets, stars or galaxies at that point in my existence and it wasn't like I could look up how to on the internet. Hell, I made some mistakes along the way, I admit it and I'm sorry for them.

I thought that I could create the earth in six days. Boy did I underestimate that one. I didn't get started on the earth's crust until Saturday evening. To cut corners and speed up production, I flattened the earth's crust with a rolling pin after cooking it instead of taking time to make a spherical mold of it. I ended up having to use a bunch of cookie cutters on the crust and pretty much just smashed all the pieces together around the earth's mantle.

In hind sight, this was a bad idea seeing how the moving pieces of crust have caused all those earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes. I guess I should have taken my time instead of rushing but my ego got the best of me. I even lied about finishing the whole thing in six days. As a matter of fact I didn't get the last bit done until just before the New England Patriots and New York Jets kicked off on Sunday. I pretty much just threw everything together there at the end and looking at how things turned out it was probably a bad idea.

I become embarrassed whenever I read the Old Testament where I'm smiting this and smiting that, turning people into salt and fucking around with people like Job. I had a real mean streak in me back then and while I'm not trying to use it as an excuse I was going through some heavy shit and had taken to the bottle. I was drunk all the time. I would start off every day with a few belts of Jack Daniels just as soon as I got out of bed. Half the time I was in a blackout.

I'm really sorry what I did to Sodom and Gomorrah I discovered after therapy that I was just really jealous that everyone was having such a good time. Man, I really was an asshole for a while there.

I've really worked hard on cleaning up my act and have spent a lot of time of the last century just to get to know me more and understand that what happened happened and to let it all go. So now that I am finally back and realize how fucked up things on earth are I'm just going to let the whole thing go and start another universe hopefully where it's warm the year round and has killer margaritas.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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