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Wednesday, 24 January 2007

Today, The Spoof, launches the first in the series of pullout articles for busy, posh, Spoof reading parents who know what's right and proper, but not what their kids are getting into, which is an utter mystery, darling: The Not Posh Guide.

So what is Not Posh? You mean you haven't heard? Well it's all the rage in Hampstead, and North Oxford. It's simply this, you don't want your kids to look like the posh twerps they are, but at the same time, you don't want them running with the chavs. You need subtle control, and knowledge to steer your kids into Not Posh street cred. It's a posh parents' dilemma we're sure you're familiar with. So, what do you do? You read The Not Posh Guide, that's what. It's essential.

We, Phoebe and Gerald Poshknob, have been writing the highly successful series of best-selling books, The Universe and Inverse Snobbery, for twenty years, so we know a thing or two. Here's the first in your cut-out-and-keep series.

Issue 1 - The Not Posh Guide to Premiership Football.

By Phoebe and Gerald Poshknob

Premiership football has working class roots and is therefore dangerous territory for the posh parent whose children show great interest in it. Do not despair, within the Premiership, there are clear Not Posh distinctions. Let Phoebe and Gerry explain.

Take Arsenal and Chelsea. They are southern, foreign, and bad for your offspring's credibility. Worringly posh, and definitely uncool. It is unlikely your little ones will have survived the first beating if they like these two, and that's good for them. That's why you sent them to a local school.

Now Bolton Wanderers. They are reassuringly northern and working class, so you know where you are with Bolton. It is unlikely, with their good breeding, that your children will show any interest in Bolton, but if they do, you will find it easy to discourage them by chanting, 'Diouf spits and beats his wife, do-da, do-da'. Now you will have their attention.

Liverpool, on the other hand, must be a safe bet, but wait a minute, isn't that a foreign manager?

So who is the Premiership's leading Not Posh club, the one that it's safe for your children to watch without fear they will be tarnished with working class ideals?

Of course, it's Manchester United, the number one Not Posh Premiership football club. US owned, Scottish management, and full of lovely clean cut England chappies. What could be better for Not Posh kids? Remember, The Spoof's Not Posh Guide is here to help you.

Next week, the Not Posh Guide to Rock and Pop Part 1. Toodle-pip.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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