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Monday, 5 December 2011

image for The Importance of Clean Briefs - Chapter 5 You didn't put on a fresh clean pair of briefs. Believe me In know!

Meisterfibber took a large breath, puffed out his chest, enhanced his 'air of dignity' and began giving the terms, one at a time.

"The first term is for you to stop killing off the King's guard".

Burpsfire needed a moment to think about this. After some time he came up with the following response: "But, I've already killed off every one of the King's guard", the dragon said with a puzzled look, "leastways, as far as I can tell".

"Well, yes", said Meisterfibber. "Then that should be a term that both sides should have no problem agreeing to".

Come to Murray's Tavern and see a one time event this Thursday night! Murray will be tarred and feathered by order of the king who got wind of Murray's last ad.

"So going forward", started Meisterfibber. "The second term is that you stop burning down the shops, homes, palaces and any structures that exists inside the Kingdom's boundaries".

The dragon thought about this term for a moment and couldn't come up with any shops, homes, palaces or structures that he had not already burned down. That is, except for Boxer's Brief House and Murray's Tavern, two places which he had no intention of burning down. So the dragon agreed to the second term.

Meisterfibber was totally thrilled with himself at the way the parley was going. Things were obviously going much better than he had anticipated. He already had won the first two conditions that he presented to Burpsfire. He felt so good that he began to greatly enhance his 'air of dignity' before beginning again.

"Third, you must return all objects that you took from everyone in the Kingdom back to their rightful owners. You must apologize for taking them and promise never to do so in the future".

Burpsfire thought about this term for a moment and decided that he shouldn't part with all the things he had taken from the Kingdom during his raids.

"I do believe that possession is nine tenths of the law", Burpsfire said coldly.

"Yes, well I see", said Meisterfibber. "I guess the other one tenth of the law will be the King's use of a legal vehicle which will enable him to sue you".

The dragon thought of having to face the vehicle called Sue Yoo and decided that none of the possessions he took from the Kingdom were really worth fighting for. I mean, heck, they didn't have one suit of armor that even came close to fitting him. So, Burpsfire decided to agree to the third term.

At this point, one might say that Meisterfibber's parley with Burpsfire had been a tremendous success. No one in the Kingdom of Dodgedom could ever have imagined Meisterfibber getting Burpsfire to agree to all three of the terms that he had been presented with. As a matter of fact, no one in the Kingdom of Dodgedom gave Meisterfibber much of a chance of not becoming the dragon's after lunch parsley. Heck, just the fact that Meisterfibber got the dragon to stop killing them and burning down all the kingdom's structures was more than they could ever have expected.

Now, a wise man would have ended the parley then and would have had Burpsfire sign off on the parley's terms and gone back to the Kingdom with a truly grand victory. But, once Meisterfibber's head became swollen with victory, he had a really bad habit of 'rubbing it in'. So Meisterfibber continued on with even more terms that he made up as he went along.

"Fourth, you must put a rose on every grave of every person that you killed during your bloodletting each and every day for the rest of you life".

"Fifth, you must pay for every bit of damaged property and pay the families of each victim 100 gold coins each. The money cannot come from any of the loot that you stole from the Kingdom, unless of course the rightful owners have agreed to loan it to you at an appropriate interest rate and terms that are acceptable by the Kingdom's loaning laws".

"Sixth, you must personally sweep the porches of every household in the Kingdom each and every day including Sunday".

"Seventh, you must perform 500 hours of community service every week for the next 200 years, that is, of course, with an organization that is on the Kingdoms approved community service list".

At this point, Burpsfire was trying to add up the time and money that the truce would cost him and was starting to realize that on the time side, he was definitely coming up short.

"Now wait a minute", the dragon interjected. "There's only 168 hours in a week! How am I supposed to do 500 hours of community service if there are only 168 hours to work with?"

"That is not my concern", replied Meisterfibber in a very pompous voice. "I only deliver the terms. It is up to you to find a way to comply with them. Now, let's see where was I? Oh yes, you must, also, have to stop breathing fire".

"What! But how?" the dragon complained to Meisterfibber. Burpsfire was starting to become overwhelmed with the enormity of complying with terms of the truce.

"Maybe challenging the vehicle Sue Yoo wouldn't be such a bad idea after all", he thought to himself.

"Next, you must pick up all my bar tabs at Murray's Tavern and be my personal escort on all my ventures into that establishment".

"I'll show old Gruff a thing or two about pushing around Meisterfibber", Meisterfibber chuckled silently to himself.

Now, this final term took the cake as far as Burpsfire was concerned. All the other terms combined he could probably manage to comply with, even if it meant giving up breathing. But, the thought of having to sit in a bar with someone who smells like a heap of dead skunks, day in and day out, was too much for the dragon to take. He really couldn't imagine being seen in public with someone who never put on a clean pair of briefs at the start of each day.

Burpsfire felt the blood quickly rising to his temples. He had forgotten all about the vehicle Sue Yoo. He decided that enough was enough. This smelly fat thing had no business being in his cave and he was going to remove it immediately. He suddenly jumped up from his chair and swooped down upon Meisterfibber with open jaws, with the intent of picking him up by his right leg and throwing him out the door.

Now, if it were today, Burpsfire would have simply picked up Meisterfibber by his shirt collar and thrown him out of his lair. But, back in the elves' day the shirt collar hadn't been invented yet, because no one wore neckties, because, well, they hadn't been invented yet, either.

Well, a very strange thing happened. You see, just as the dragon was swooping down upon the now fearful Meisterfibber, he took a step backwards in pure reaction of fear. Thus, moving his big fat behind right into the lowered lance of one of the suits of armor that was in Burpsfire's cave. The pain from the sharp lance caused Meisterfibber to make a sudden leap in the air forward, causing him to go feet first into the open jaws of the oncoming dragon.

Unlike the elves that lived in the Kingdom of Dodgedom, who would easily have slid right down Burpsfire's throat and become instant parsley, Meisterfibber's enormous girth kept him from sliding down the dragon's throat. Meisterfibber actually got stuck right in Burpsfire's throat causing the dragon to start gagging for air. Burpsfire began thrashing about the cave violently, finding himself in the unenviable position of not being able to close his jaws and swallow Meisterfibber, nor spit him out.

But, then something even stranger happened that day in Burpsfire's cave. You see, while the dragon was suffocating, his body had a natural reaction to try and force out a very large fiery burp from his digestive system from the lunch he had eaten just before Meisterfibber had arrived. At that same instant, the trauma and excitement of finding himself stuck in the thrashing dragon's jaws, caused Meisterfibber's body to suddenly have a similar reaction, but to the opposite effect. The effect simply was Meisterfibber's way of enhancing his 'air of dignity' in the grandest of fashion.

These two reactions, enhanced by the soiled nature of Meisterfibber's briefs, combined to create an even greater reaction.

Burpsfire simply exploded into a great big red and orange ball of fire.

It was the largest explosion that anyone had ever seen, leastwise as far as the elves of Dodgedom were concerned. The entire cave including Meisterfibber and Burpsfire were blown to pieces with neither one of them coming close to surviving.

Come to Murray's Tavern where all beverages are on the house all the time, because, Murray is not around to charge anybody anymore.

Hop-To-It, somehow, did manage to survive, although the blast threw him right out of the cave and down the mountain into the valley below. Every bit of Hop-To-It's clothes were blown right off his body. However he did to return to the Kingdom of Dodgedom with the news of Burpsfire's demise wearing only the pair of briefs that he found in Meisterfibber's leather brief case.

Upon Hop-To-It's arrival back into Dodgedom, everyone commented on how nice and clean his briefs were.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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