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Tags: X-Factor

Friday, 25 November 2011

Simon Cowell is currently stateside wondering why his beloved UK version is suffering in the latest ratings war.

'Talentless, no ability to perform' and 'drug taker' are just some of the labels being applied to the X Factor this year and that's just the panel!

So, is the ratings slump down to the loss of Cole, Cowell and Minogue or is there another reason?

We decided to look at what's been offered so far this year:

Kelly Roland: singer, songwriter and keyboard designer, she has made one or two enemies in her brief period on the panel. 'Roland really gets on my tits,' said fellow panellist Louie Walsh after she called him a leprechaun on show 2. 'That muther f*****g Irish t**t would have been sorted by the hood had we been in the US,' Roland told us.

She recently buggered off back to the US telling everyone she had a throat infection, however, the real truth was Tulisa threatened to smash her face in. It was only after Simon intervened did she fly back to keep her seat.

Tulisa Contostavlos: Member of N-Dubz and professional Martine McCutcheon lookalike was the unexpected panellist this year, although she has quickly become friends with Walsh. After becoming tired off baby sitting her cuz Dappy she has called time on N-Dubz and is now concentrating on her TV and film career which may soon involve Love Actually 2.

Much has been said in the press about the message on her arm displayed each time she appears on the show. For those who are wondering what the message says it is: 'The answer is 42.'

Louis Walsh: The only regular member left from last year Walsh is now the Daddy of the show and this means he can say what he likes to who he likes. He has already told Gary Barlow that his Mum Deirdre is a slag and challenged him to a dance off, which Barlow declined.

Walsh also fell out with Roland after she got bored of his constant references to geographical voting for each of his contestants: 'I think the whole of Wales should vote for my act.'

Finally there's Barlow: Member of boy band Take That, song writer and marsh mellow eating monster, Barlow apparently has been asked to hit Walsh in the face to improve the ratings. 'As much as I want to,' he said, 'I am not a fighter, I'm a lover,' Barlow told us.

Many have doubted that Barlow will be there next year saying: 'There's too much pressure from the contestants who are constantly asking me to buy them Coke and alcohol.'

So, what's next for the X Factor? Well there's been talk of The Hoff joining the team if they can keep him sober long enough and even Sharon Osborne but that would mean a the time slot moving after the 9pm watershed due to her expletives. Come back Simon, please.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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