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Tuesday, 6 December 2011

image for A True Diary of Woe - Part Thirty-Two The water was deeper than he thought

A diary of one man's utter failure, depression, frustration, cock-ups, and impecuniousness, starting in August 1947

Chapter 60 - Marsden's Store Assistant

I was working for Marsden's Grocery Stores, and was sent to the Bulwell market branch.

All nice smells, nice people, and counter service in those days. Although only a young lad, my forte was 'provisions', and I was adept in the boning, slicing, and displaying of cooked meats, bacon etc.

The manager at the branch allowed me, after seeing how I coped, to use the new electric bacon slicer. We used to slice the bacon beforehand, and put it on display to sell. At the busy weekends we had to top-up the trays frequently, and this was part of my new responsibilities.

I was operating the new machine, slicing if I remember rightly, some smoked gammon, when into the shop walked an absolute peach of a young girl, short flared skirt, nice thick legs, long hair around her shoulders, shapely firm knockers... and she smiled at me!

The hospital actually managed to stitch by thumb back on.

Another incident where I still have the scars.

Chapter 61 - On Guard at the Science Park

Sited at a large Science Park in Nottingham, there was two security officers, Pete and myself. It was known for having units hit regularly, and required one officer in the gatehouse, and one out on patrol at all times overnight.

It was raining heavily, and Pete had got a rotten cold, so i volunteered to do all the outside patrolling, nipping back to the gatehouse for passing water, and having a cuppa now and then.

About 2330hrs, I was at the back of the site, near the tree surrounded stream, and I heard an alarm activating, then I saw the light flashing on the wall of the nearby Laboratory building. I RT'd to Pete to inform the emergency services, and close the barrier, although I could not see any vehicles nearby.

As a approached the doors, I saw a body climbing out of a window, tall long gangly youth, and he saw me, and started to sprint away towards the stream and the back fencing.

I gave chase, but lost ground on him, but following him around a corner. just saw him disappear as he jumped over the stream and into the trees.

Being a dedicated officer, without thought, I ran down to jumped over the stream in pursuit.

God, that stream water was deep and cold!

Chapter 62 - The Job Interview in Sheffield

I was informed that the office I had to attend, was on Randall Street, opposite Sheffield United's ground. And started to plan my attendance on the following Tuesday.

Come Monday, and the motorbike packed up, and could not be repaired in time for me to attend interview on it.

I found out the times of the trains, and decided use them instead.

On arrival in Sheffield, I got in a taxi and asked for the football ground. I was dropped off right in front of it, with about 10 minutes to spare before my appointment.

After spending half an hour searching for the street... it dawned on me... I'd been dropped off at Sheffield Wednesday's ground. What a plonker!

More to follow

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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