Written by Inchcock
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

image for Foster Parents needed for Nottingham Boy, can you help? Medications

Advertised in the Nottingham Evening Post, this surely explains why we need to apply ourselves and provide the resources to cater for our elderly citizens?

Nottingham Council's Adoption Agency

Nottinghamshire Council provides a range of services to looked after children and aims to provide quality foster care placements to meet each child's individual needs in respect of race, culture, religion, disability and language.

Can you offer a home to this young person?

Details:

Name:
Juan Inchcock.

D.O.B.:
27 August 1947

Nationality:
White, British

Currently:
Being cared for by; The Government Pensions Department.

History:
* Survived double pneumonia at the age of 3

* Brought up by his father. Little education given. No etiquette, decorum, deportment, or finesse installed.

* Mother on the run from the police.

* Loved sports, but was totally useless at them.

* Went bald at 23 years of age.

* Worked for 50 years, in the Retail, Military, Security, and Gas lamp lighting trades - made redundant four times through no fault of his own.

* Broke eleven bones, crushed his right thumb, had a hernia repaired, cancer of the bladder lazered, duodenal ulcer, went deaf, needs three levels of spectacles, as of 1999, but is in good health considering.

* When made redundant at the age of 62, he failed to gain further employment, then it was discovered he needed a new ticker, had angina, and became chronically depressed.

* After his cardiac procedures were carried out, he started writing for the Spoof Website, and started his own blog site. Unfortunately, he gets confused at times, and started posting to the wrong site in mistake for the other.

* Then he contracted Arthritis, and Impetigo, currently being treated.

Medical care required:
He will have to attend a blood test, and await dosage recommendations for the Warfarin tablets he is on weekly if not daily according to results. He has a bus-pass, so you will not need to run him about, he is capable of hobbling to and from the medical appointment as necessary. The other 9 medications he is on, will require you to make sure he takes them in order and to the correct dosage:

* Codeine Phosphate as required

* Furosemide 40mg - one each morning

* Lactulose - three x 5ml spoonsful three times a day

* Bisoprolol (Beta Blockers) 25mg - one each morning

* Omeprazole 20mg - one each morning

* Iboprofen Gel - to be applied to the arthritic knees and hands when required.

* Ramipril 5mg - One in AM, one in PM

* Zocor 15mg - One in the evening

* Simvastin 40mg - One in the evening

Plus of course, the specified dose of Warfarin for the day, at night.

In the event of the rare dizzy spells attacking Juan, leave him on the floor until he feels he can get up again.

Personal Traits:

Potty Training:
Originally fully potty trained, but Juan's memory is getting worse, and this can cause the occasional problem. (Especially now he is on Water Tablets)

Eating:
Juan will eat anything not too rich. He has become accustomed since being made redundant to living on Asda Smartprice, and Pound Shop products, and you will find these good value... crap, but good value, and they will suffice for Juan.

Emissions of wind from his anus:
Possibly a by product of his medications, be warned that after he had lazer treatment, he is unaware of any build-up of gases, and they tend to burst out painfully, for him, and anyone in his vicinity.

His Nature:
He is an easy going boy, who likes to feed the pigeons and ducks.

It is essential that you supply an internet connection for him, so he can continue to present crap like this on the Spoof website, as he is addicted.

Anyone who feels they can take on Juan as foster parents, or adopt him, please send your application in to us, along with a Doctor's, or Psychologist's Sanity confirmation letter.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

Share/Bookmark

Go to top ^