Written by Matt Brown
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Sunday, 13 November 2011

Why a surprise party for Ted? Surely there is more deserving of such a great hullaballoo than him. There are people in the world more in need of a good surprising than Ted. Ted would not enjoy a surprise party very much as he has always liked his surprises few and far between so if it is to be done then we must keep our distances ladies and gentleman.

Now he has always liked people to be a darn sight quieter, smaller and even lighter in the head than he himself is and if we are not too careful he could damage us. He may see this as us trying to be more intelligent than he is. ''All for me and none for all'', Ted would say.

As you know In this day and age there are only four stereotypes of surprises to be thrown. These are the shrieking owl, Granny Grainy's old black and white TV, unknown quantities and a Part-fridge inner Beatrix.

Usually Ted was an unlucky boy, and he had been told this so many times it now rang true. Burt Ted was a very lucky lad on this day because he may or may not have underheard the shrewd comments coming out of the kitchen from downstairs. ''My chance to shine, he thought''.

Oliver southern a call from Aunty Jumanji, ''Tea for you Ted love, it's shrimpers on pancakes''! But there wasn't a peeping to be heard coming from upstairs so the familiars looked quite stunning for a while. ''Hmm'' they said all at once. So Arthur suddenly piped up from Sasquatch and said 'Get down 'ere ya' ungrateful swine and try on this surprise for size'. A shocked look then overcame everyone's faces but this was quickly followed by more of the obvious look.

After twenty mine newts of sheer bad luck the crowd occupying the kitchen decided to try out a different scene. They would instead climb up to Teddy's basement and give him his sentence along with a ''this is your life'' type surprise, which was a pamphlet entitled ''your first time in Gaol''. So, along crept the four of them. Aunty Genome, The Great Groundy and the even Greater Gatsby followed closely by Nelly the sheep, buzzing behind a hap-hap-happily.

Once they had reached the top of the staircase (and a lovely important stircase it was), they were greeted by Derek the enormous dormouse who said 'Answer me these questions three, fiddly-dum- and fiddly-dee, here is the first of the three. What are das jungles mostly doing nowadays to parse the time? Up piped Square Jimmy and shouted ''Mind yer own business!''. Derek was so shocked at this sudden riposte he decided to let it slide away and continue on. ''And now and now a rhyme for you to lead us in to question two'' he squeaked. ''If the time of day is one O'clock then how many more till that clock stops''. ''How about I give you a flat nose'' yelled Grandiose, who's eyes were making him look terrified and out of place, almost giving him away. ''Not likely'' warbled Derek, and he was correct in his deduction as Crumple Pants backed off.

So, putting his infernal monologue to good use, Derek thought ''these morons are soft in the head, there is no more point in carrying on''. Well done Derek for not thinking in rhyme as well because that would make you seem like a right twonk. So he decided to let them live and proceed through to Ted's Chamber of Secretions. ''Now you have gained my trust, I bid you adieu and will let you through'' Said Derek. But then Arthur popped up from Sasquatch and kicked Derek where the sun doesn't shine.

Finally! They opened the door which was a creak-creak-creaking and sidled in past the drain which was leak-leak-leaking. And lo! There in front of them was their chance, so without a moment's hesitation they all screamed ''Surprise!''. But not even a single twitch emanated from Ted after this bombardment, so Nelly said her first words ever to try and rouse him. ''Jump up yer' clown!'' but still he did not move. With closer inspectors they sadly found that he was glued to the spot without a hair in the world and nothing more could be done for him. So Polly, (who?) being the skilled ironmonger that she was made a bolt for the door and everyone followed her down the stairs.

Soon after, Charlie popped up from Bodle moor and passed out to everyone presents galore. Everybody loved Charlie for always striking when the iron was hot, it was his most redeeming quality, and this time he had timed it to perfection. ''Three cheers for Charlie'' said Nelly who was revelling in her new found confidant.

All the family sat down to eat a hearty supper of minced tripe with humongous blocks of lavender flavoured spam. All this was washed down by the finest bottle of Syrup-Slurp that money could buy. They played games like Squeeze it until it pops and four fingers, three fingers, two flingers, one, until everyone was done and dusted. When it got very late they said their goodbyes and left the house teetering on the brink, swaying a merry sway.

Please let this magazine story article thing be a lesson to you all. Goodnight.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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