In an exclusive interview conducted not twenty minutes ago super villain Simon Cowell opened his heart to this reporter. So Simon...
Simon Cowell: Please refer to me as Mr. Cowell or a simple your majesty will do.
Ok. Mr. Cowell it's being a very hectic year for you hasn't it? All the scandals and trauma with the US version of the X-Factor must have really taken it's toll on you?[/i](There's a long pause while Simon sips a strange coloured drink. The pause continues for a uncomfortable length of time as he dabs his mouth with what can only be described as a tissue made of bald eagle feathers.)
Simon: I'm sorry who are you?
I'm a journalist. Working for The East Sussex Mid Morning Gazette.
Simon: And what are you doing here?
Conducting an interview.
Simon: Who with?
Simon: Of course (he waves his hand dismissively towards my face) I'll have a double latte and a Great White Shark sandwich.
A Great White shark sandwich? You do know their an endangered species don't you?
Simon: Of course! I only eat the finest of endangered species it keeps me forever young and allows me to have a finger up the bum of youth culture.
That is...(before I can finish I am cut off by a slap which cuts my cheek as Simon has a spike on one of his rings.)
Simon: I know exactly what every person wants and they want me! Simon Cowell.
(He allows my blood to run from his ring into a small vial he has brought from his pocket.)
Simon: Do you see what my empire has achieved.
(I shrug in a "Not a f*****g clue sort of way")
Simon: If I say a trio of singing Arabs shall be Christmas number one, so it shall be! If I create a competition which requires family members to destroy treasured possessions on live TV for no reward my will, will be carried forth. At a glance the birds will fall from the sky and the tide shall turn back....
(Simon has taken to standing on the table at this point and has his foot resting on my chest. I have the strange feeling he is gauging whether or not I could present a challenge in a fight.)
Simon: Let me ask you a question newspaper-man.
Ok then, this will be interesting a sort of role reversal....
Simon: If you talk out of line again Cheryl, I'll skin you alive and wear you like a mink stole!
I'm not Cheryl....
Simon: I know that. I just get confused sometimes. (Simon has removed his shoes as he perches on the edge of the table like a Mountain Lion) Here is my question to you. If I've made seven million pounds since this interview began...did you say something?
Simon: I grow more powerful by the moment my ears are transcending time I'm able to hear things in the instants before they are said. Have you seen my money room?
I'm afraid I haven't.....
Simon: Of course you haven't because your not important or me. I have had women break their pelvis because they cant get their legs wide enough when they see my money room.
Ok ok. Let's try and get this interview back on track here. There's being several rumours suggesting that your currently funding a new space program. Can you confirm this?
Simon: Yes! My "Destroy The Failures!" scheme.
And what does that entail?
Simon: I'm going to be Frank with you....no I'm going to stay as Simon. My "Destroy The Failures" scheme is my most brilliant idea since the last idea I had. I realise that my hundreds of talent shows create thousands of mindless clones releasing the same droning spores onto our radio airwaves but I also understand that they all have a shelf life of about one single and then everyone loses interest. So I want to take all my one hit wonders, round them up and fire them into the sun on my spaceship "Smug Bastard One".
You cant do that! These are human beings were talking about here.
Simon: It's all in the contract. Clause 21.A- All contestants may remain on the planet until the public cotton onto them being a one trick pony. Once that point has being reached then you are to be fired into the sun.
And people actually sign this?
Simon: Dam right they do. People are that desperate to be famous they will sign anything. Do you know what my hobby is?
No. Please do tell.
Simon: I pay the homeless to kiss at traffic lights.
(He says this with a absolutely dead pan face which betrays no emotion but his eyes speak of a perverse enjoyment he gets from doing this)
Ok Simon it's being interesting talking to you...
Simon: I've been rather bored.
(Simon stands up and leaves without as much of a look in my direction.)
The whole interview was a very strange experience as although I clearly heard the words Simon said I did not once see his lips move.