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Thursday, 3 November 2011

image for Professor Norton Folgate's Theory on Narwhals

In the sometime occasional series by Professor Norton Folgate there have been many fascinating and intriguing topics and today's is no exception.

This edition discusses the benefits of having a three metre tusk, but only if you are a Narwhal.

"Narwhals are an odd species. Related to the Beluga whale they live in the Artic.

During the really cold periods, which they have in the Artic on a regular basis, they live under the ice where it is warmer. When the ice breaks the Narwhals swim up a crack in the ice. Now, as you may know, Narwhals have very long Unicorn type things sticking out the front of them and they swim up the crack Red Indian style. This is thought to be the reason that Narwhals are the only animals, with the exception of Humans, to have pierced clits.

Apparently it is all a bit of an accident, when the front one has to do an emergency stop and the others don't notice. A bit of rear ending with those three metre long things and then they have to 'plug the hole' to stop the Swordfish/Unicorn/Whale combination from filling with water and drowning.

Narwhals are well known for being able to hold their breath for up to four months, so when one drowns it is a long, drawn out process.

The items that are used for the clitoris piercing can range from an oversized icicle (short-term, emergency measure) to a small seal or even a discarded hair gel container, left by a careless BBC cameraman.

The most broadly accepted theory for the role of the tusk is as a secondary sexual characteristic, similar to the mane of a lion or the tail feathers of a peacock. When I say 'most broadly accepted' I mean by some of the more famous academic types. This hypothesis was notably discussed and defended at length by Charles Darwin, in The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex but what wasn't discussed was the act of sexual piercing, notably that of the clitoris. It is not known, however, if male Narwhals have ever had a 'Prince Albert'.

Narwhals are rarely observed using their tusk for fighting therefore my theory is the only one that stands up to the test."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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