Written by Daz McKinley
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Saturday, 29 October 2011

Well known for sticking his size 12 boot where it doesn't belong, Prince Philip has enjoyed a long and illustrious history of inappropriate public statements and generally bad attitude. At the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) this week he's proved he's not losing his low brain cell and emotional intelligence touch:

To Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard about her inability to effectively deal with asylum seekers: "Ewwwww, if it was up to me I'd do what the IRA did to Louis Mountbatten and blow the bastards out of the water."

To the leader of the Australian Indigenous Peoples Council: "Ewwwww, do you people eat normal food these days or are you still eating insects and sniffing glue and petrol?"

Caught off camera, about PM Julia Gillard: "Ewwwww, if it was a choice of shagging that or the royal corgis I'd be in the kennel in a flash."

About modern Australia: "Ewwwww, this used to be a good place before they relaxed the White Australia Policy. Too many fuzzy wuzzies and Asians now. It reminds me of Bradford."

Caught off camera again, about the Queen: "She smiles in public about as often as she gives me a head job these days."

To Julia Gillard: "Ewwwww, if you nod at me one more time I'll get the Queen to knight you, slip with the sword and cut your fucking head off."

Addressing the CHOGM attendees: "Ewwwww, I preferred it when you people still lived in mud huts, well many of you still do, and our gunboats could shoot you at will rather than attending CHOGM and pretending we care what you think."

Prince Philip's press secretary John Kissmaarse was admitted to Perth's Graylands mental hospital this morning and is said to be slowly responding to electric shock treatment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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