Written by Nick Hobbs
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Friday, 28 October 2011

image for Television Adverts: An Open Rant By Chester P Chester. Chester P Chester: not a fan of the adverts.

Hello, I'm Chester P Chester, and I'd like to talk, if I may, for a few moments about adverts.

I really do hate adverts. Not the ones in magazines or on billboards. No, they're ok. It's the ones on TV. I've just sat down with a nice bowl of chips and some ketchup and some bint comes on the box to tell me about her period. I DON'T CARE!!

Did you know that Domestos kills all known germs dead? What, as opposed to killing them not quite dead, killing them to the point of extreme uncomfort? Tell me Mr. Domestos, how do you kill anything other than dead, pray tell?

Tuck in to your lovely Sunday roast and hear all about the latest cream to combat thrush! Wonder at the hundreds of different ways to sue your boss, family, pet, friends or neighbours. Just because you fell off a ladder!

And smoking. For years the government and all the do gooder groups campaigned to get tobacco ads off our screens, now there's more smoking adverts than ever before, except this time they're all about 'don't smoke'. But you keep reminding me of the cigarettes, so now I want one, more than ever! Oh, and as for the patch that's been combating the nicotine craving, surely its not fighting it, it's bloody feeding it!

Get BT/Virgin/Sky broadband etc for £12.95 a month. Yeah, 'til you read the tiny print at the bottom of the advert, when it flashes up. They didn't mention that that is only for six months, then it goes up to the usual £29.99. Plus your fitting charge of £30, and hardware thats another £39.99, oh and.....you get the idea.

So thats actually over £100 pounds then, not £12.95 you lying little toads. I'll do the maths, shall I?

Car adverts! Can you truthfully, hand on heart, say that you know anyone who has actually gone out and bought a car, merely because they saw an advert for it between the two halves of Coronation Street? It's not like cornflakes. "Oh, I must add those to the shopping list. Next time I'm out I must pick up the new model Jaguar."

Pointless. Bloody pointless.

Jaime bloody Oliver gurning at me, telling me to buy sausages from Satansburys, or Tescos and Asda taking pot shots at each other in my front room.

All I want is a bit of peace and quite while I eat my stew.

Old A-list has-been's, that you barely remember, waffling on about anti ageing cream. Just use polyfilla you old goat, and get the hell off my TV.

And whats with all the horseshit with names? "Our shampoo contains macro-bio-anti-looptides" or "our migraine tablets have a unique pepto-plasmide euphoria release membrane."

My head is full of your crap! Its just made up sciencey words to make your product sound special. Its a shampoo! It cleans hair, so get over yourself.

And I don't even have hair, thanks to male pattern baldness, which I'm sure you've got a treatment, cure or clinic for, just ready to take my savings!

Long, drawn out, unfathomable perfume adverts that make no sense at all. Only the high-brow arty wankwits or -ology uni-student creeps, nod and gesture to them, as if to say "I get it."

No you don't. There's nothing to get. The director drank too much of the smelly liquid, and thought it would be a pleasant idea to chuck some actors in a swamp and go all 'wobbly camera' on it. It's bullshit. It means nothing.

Maybe thats the message. "Buy our perfume, you'll smell like you live in a swamp!"

Stella Artois-Reasuringly Expensive. Err, no lets try that again.

Stella Artois-Fucking Expensive-Shit adverts. That's better.

I remember when I could go to the pub and buy a pint of Strongbow. Now it's two thirds of a pint 'cause you gotta leave room for the ice. Fucking ice in cider? Magners, I hate you. You've screwed with the ancient concept of cider. You came along and moved the goalposts, so now the other brands have to follow suit.

But you see, Magners comes in a pint bottle so you're OK there. But Strongbow doesn't, so I lose out. Bastards.

And what's with that northern idiot with the long hair, dressed in a Kings cloak and trying to sell me windows? 'I said you buy one, you get one free, I said you buy..' I heard you the first time, dipshit, now get out of my living room and DIE!

Anyhow, if anyone sees an advert for a sniper for hire please let me know. I need one to take out the annoying little shit that's hoots to the Lloyds TSB Adverts.

I hate you.

***

Next week Chester P Chester pours forth his vitriol upon 'Songbirds At Early O'clock In The Morning, After A Heavy Night On The Sauce.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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