Written by pinxit
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Not yet published

image for Letters to the Ed: DORKING REVIEW YouTube (2) Dr Bilgewater's Shih-Tzudoodle™

From Top_Tampax@hrh_in_waiting.gov (via email)

Sir, One's current spouse is a devotee of this internettal thingy of yours and has drawn the princely peepers to a curious 'Dorking Review' slapstick video on 'One's Tube'. What an intriguing chap this Martin Chuzzlewit is! Reminiscent of a fascinating dreadlocked albino cove, 'Prince Rasta Pasta', one met in Mustique while on hols with Aunt M. (or 'Pickled Lily' as the firm affectionately called her) many moons ago.

Now, to cut to the chase. One's media-savvy staff have seen an opportunity for some whizzo 'Duchy Organic Originals' product placement sponsorship for Chuzzlewit's amusing filmic forays and are keen to 'seal a deal'(shudder) with him. One can envisage the formidable Mrs. Chuzzlewit passing a 'Duchy' from the left hand side to Mr C, who tries to light said clotted cream brandy snap, mistakenly thinking it to be one of his 'roll-ups'. Whilst, perched precariously on his noggin, is a family-sized 'Duchy Original Cornish Old Spot' Pork Pie!! Marketing gold!

Chortle! Put one's staff in touch, there's a good chappie.

"Chazza"

PS. Whilst on the topic of comedy, one's never forgotten a precious piece of advice dear old Spike Milligan said to one many years ago; "You're standing on my fucking toe you half-wit buggerlugged cunt!" A lesson there to all aspiring comedy writers methinks!

...............

Sir, I find myself temporarily unemployed and wonder if Mr Cuttleshock would care for the services of a 'personal advisor'?

A. Werrity, Foxholes, North Yorks.

...............

From @DrBilgewater™ (via email)

'Who watches the Watchmen?'

Can we believe anything said here? People who talk about themselves in the third person?

Dr Bilgewater™ doesn't think so. Neither does Mrs Dr Bilgewater™, nor the Dr Bilgewater™ Shih-Tzudoodle (see attached jpg™).

But if we all agreed we would surely all be wrong. Clique-claque!

Limey cordially yours,

Dr. Bilgewater™, Pismo Biatch, CA.

'Some fell on stoney ground.' [Matthew 13:5. Trans. Bilgewater(Dr)™]

...............

From @Puzzled_of_Pangbourne (via email)

WTF WAS THAT ALL ABOUT THEN?!?!

[Haven't a clue. :-S Ed.]

...............

Dear Sir, I've viewed Mr Skittleclock's Dorking Review films with considerable excitement! In my professional opinion they contain much of value!

As an antiques expert with over thirty years experience, I'm particularly interested in the charming rustic welsh dresser and the exquisite art-nouveau lamp featured in clip #6. Now, Mr Skittleclock and his good lady could opt to put them onto ebay and take their chances, but I would be more than happy, for a small fee, to come round and evaluate said items. My eye has also been drawn to the homburg featured in clip #5 and the framed landscape print from clip #1. I have a select portfolio of clients who would be most interested in purchasing these curios.

Yours, in ormolu and tea-bagged patina,

Gavin Smarm Esq., 'Ye Olde Twee & Spree Emporium', Chipping-on-the-Vase, Glos.

............

Dear sir,

If I may address the last letter directly?

Mr Smarm, sir, I fear you have fallen victim to what we doctors call 'Dorking Syndrome'. Neither the 'Shuttleclocks' nor the fantasy town of 'Dorking' exist.

However, I have a Clarice Cliff ceramic teasmaid that you are welcome to come and value the next time you are passing by Lilliput.

Yours,

Dr Limmington Spur Lilliput, Isle of Man.

............

From @Fermatts_Last_Theorem20 (via email)

Sir,

Re 'The Dorking Review' YouToob videos: In F.W. Murnau's seminal post-expressionist film 'The Cabinet of Dr Caligari' (1917)*** the angst-ridden protagonist has...

[Edited]

...Herman Cain's boxer shorts and a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig.

Yours, F_L_T20 MIT, Mass, USA

PS. Please don't cut this down man. I'm starting to get seriously pissed.

[Sorry again @FLT. Crashed my mailbox limiter. You really must try and keep the word count under a million. Had to trim it a bit. Ed.]

............

Editer,

I'm sick [We know. Ed.] of this!!! It's exactly how that Nasi Goreng behaved!

Your's, Lady Esmée Twatt Labradoodle, Canada

PS I meant that Nazi, Goering!! LOL!

[Yawn. Lady, Twatt off. Ed.]

............

(via Skype) Legs_&_Co_69

View Earlier Messages... don't worry about last night my chunky monkey ;) Hey, you're a busy guy and these things crop up, or... this time it didn't. nevermind, i'll have something hot to stoke your 'arder' 2nite (geddit?) ;)))

[@L&C_ Thanks babes. Usual time. I think it must have been too much to drink, it's never happened to me before. Honest. :-{ Ed.]

............

Sir/Madam,

I would like to express my concern that this 'Letters to the Editor' section appears to have been taken over by charlatans and mountebanks claiming to be 'Doctors', 'Professors' and members of the aristocracy with multiple degrees and qualifications, thereby attempting to add weight, import and absolute authority to their points.

This trend is reprehensible and, in your capacity as editor, must be suppressed.

Yours sincerely,

Archbishop Mac Arios (PhD, DPhil, MA, MSc, VC, MOT Approved), Ashby-de-la-Tush, Leics

............

Dear Sir,

How right your last correspondent is! Mrs Hodgkiss and I are sick to the back teeth of so-called 'Professors and Doctors' (Notably Messers 'Prof' Lammington Spar and 'Dr' Limmington Spur!!!) and their ludicrous assertions that the epitome of all that is green, pleasant and English - Dorking - is a work of fiction. I am so pleased that, er, Archbishop Arios has picked up on this as well!!

PS The offer of a foursome with Mr & Mrs Shuttlecock still holds good. Wednesday night at Dorking Badminton club, St Botolph's recreation hall. We can put you up, if you wish?

Yours, still in concussion,

Ernest Hodgkiss, Plomley Villas, Dorking, Surrey.

[Ernest - You can't expect me to check the credentials of every contributor. Just don't believe a word anyone says. Works for me! Ed.]

To be continued...?


« Return to your writers' desk

Share/Bookmark

Go to top ^