Written by Nick Hobbs
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Thursday, 18 August 2011

image for Hollyoaks Producers Employ Lumberjack For Latest Storyline
A Hollyoaks cast member in action.

Producers of teen soap opera Hollyoaks have admitted employing a lumberjack, during filming of the latest episodes of the flagging TV show.

Actors have become so wooden in recent months that TV execs needed to thin out the cast a little.

"The plot-lines are thin and weak at best," said producer Dennis Naseby-Wilts, "but the situation has been exacerbated by such obvious wooden acting that we had no choice but to send in the lumberjacks."

Forestry Commission officials put Channel 4 in touch with their top team in the hopes that they could chop out the dead wood and save the ailing show, bringing a bit more light on to the set and hopefully promote new growth.

The lumberjacks will be stationed on set over the next few weeks, as they didn't realise how overgrown the series had become.

However, experts are not so sure the felling tactics will work.

Producers on Aussie hit Neighbours tried the same tactic some years ago, after their cast became so wooden that it was difficult to tell them apart from the furniture in the Ramsay Street cul-de-sac.

A few years ago a crack tree surgery unit was sent to Australia by a production company for a show they didn't like. These men promptly helped the show escape from a prime time BBC slot to the nether-regions of a seldom watched underground Channel 5. Today, still wanted by the public, the show survives as a distant memory. If you have a wish to see it, if no other show can help, and if you can find it, maybe you can watch Neighbours on 5.

Hollyoaks airs nightly on Channel 4.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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