Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 18 August 2011

image for Jack Nicholson Explains His Depression
The Smothers Brothers, Tommy (L) and Dicky (R) appeared as extras in "Easy Rider." (Photo by Jack Nicholson).

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Jack Nicholson has won the Best Actor Academy Award twice and Best Supporting Actor Award once. He has appeared in 64 movies and is worth about $400 million.

The noted actor recently sat down with Pico de Gallo of Tittle Tattle Tonight and spoke candidly about his recent bout with depression.

The 74-year-old Nicholson said that he recently learned that his real name is not John Joseph Nicholson as he has believed all of his life but instead his real name is Velvetino Kippitykowski.

He said that he found out after he came across his birth certificate while he was looking for his Kentucky Fried Chicken Credit Card which he had misplaced in his miscellaneous folder at his Hollywood Hills home.

Jack said that finding out depressed the hell out of him. He said that he immediately went into the kitchen and ate half a dozen Hostess Twinkies which he washed down with a bottle of Barcardi Rum.

He told de Gallo that he was actually quite depressed before that. Jack who is the number one fan of the Los Angeles Lakers and who has season tickets with a front row mid-court seat noted that when his Lakers were swept in the playoffs this past season by the Dallas Mavericks 4 games to none he literally became a basket case.

He said that he still has nightmares about his team being blowout in the fourth and final game by 36 points. And he added that on top of that it was Coach Phil Jackson's last game before retiring to a bison neutering ranch up in Wyoming.

Nicholson said that he went to see his long time therapist Dr. Dupont Clackerwitz. Dr. Clackerwitz has been seeing Nicholson ever since 1975, right after he had completed filming his film One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.

About a month ago after his most recent visit, Dr. Clackerwitz informed Nicholson that he was going to have to recommend another therapist because he was at the end of his rope and he was not going to put up with anymore of Jack's yelling, screaming, hollering, or magazine tossing antics.

Jack made an appointment with Dr. Medusa McTucket, 47. After the first session Dr. McTucket told him to never set foot in her office again and if he did she would call the police and file charges of first-degree vulgarity against him.

And so now Jack Nicholson is even more depressed because he doesn't even have a therapist who is willing to listen to him talk about his depression so that he can get his depression cured.

Los Angeles Lakers player Ron Artest, who has now officially changed his name to Metta World Peace, is a good friend of Nicholson's. He suggested that Jack go and see his personal therapist Dr. Tydell "Yo Bro" Haybaum.

Artest or World Peace stated that Dr. Haybaum stands 6 foot 10 inches tall, weighs 310 pounds, and looks like a body builder. Artest told him that Dr. Hay, as he likes to be called, can help him cure his depression.

He then stressed that if Jack pulls the hollering and yelling stunts with Dr. Hay that he did with Dr. Clackerwitz and Dr. McTucket that Dr. Hay will hit him so hard he'll start reciting his lines from his 1969 movie Easy Rider.

Nicholson says that he is trying to sell his Los Angeles Lakers season ticket but is having a hard time finding someone rich enough to buy it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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