Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Topics: Music, billy bragg

Friday, 15 July 2011

image for Billy Bragg agrees to have vocal chords removed
Mr Bragg's vocal chords will be destroyed once removed, just in case

The "singer" and lefty songwriter Billy Bragg, who has repelled audiences for decades with his grating voice, has agreed to have his vocal chords removed after accidentally hearing one of his own records.

He claims to have never heard his own voice singing before, and is surprised at how awful his dreary Cockney tones sound. Critics have compared his voice to "the sound of a donkey being force-fed potatoes", and "like if someone took Janet Street-Porter's colostomy bag and attempted to play it like the bagpipes." It is speculated that the earplugs industry has made millions because of him.

I asked Mr Bragg how he had managed to sustain a career for so long, given that he is so unlistenable. He said, "It's simple. I buy all my own records."

Although Mr Bragg is a poor whining socialist, he continually buys his own records, safe in the knowledge that the money will come back to him in royalties. He estimates to have bought over a million of his own records using the same £10 which he keeps in his bank account.

He compares this strategy to socialism. He explained, "In a fully socialist country, everyone works for the government. The government pays everyone their wages, and then the people pay their taxes back to the government. So everyone gets their money back. Full socialism is exactly like me buying all my own records."

Mr Bragg will go into hospital next week to have his vocal chords permanently removed, so he can no longer torture us with his dirges. After the operation he will communicate using a trained duck.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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