Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 30 June 2011

image for The Voice: Javier Colon Named The Winner - Blake Shelton's New Bride, Miranda Lambert Gets In Christina Aguilera's Face
One of Blake Shelton's guitars which he autographed and put on eBay to help pay for his recent wedding to Miranda Lambert

LOS ANGELES - The final four singers on The Voice came down to the final two; Dia Frampton and Javier Colon [pronounced PER-FUME]. The Las Vegas oddsmakers had pegged Javier to take the top prize and the Tucson oddsmakers had pegged Dia to win it all.

The Washington D.C. oddsmakers had picked Frenchie Davis who had been eliminated last week.

But when Host Carson Daly announced the winner the name he spoke was Javier Colon, which is pronounced like [Cologne].

Immediately his coach Maroon Five lead singer Adam Levine jumped out of his chair, did seven cart wheels and bounded over to where Javier was standing.

Dia Frampton who came in second could be heard mouthing the words darn, heck, shucks, and hell. Her coach country singer Blake Shelton could be seen mouthing the words sumbitch, cowpie, horsefeathers, and bison pee.

Blake's brand new bride country recording artist Miranda Lambert who had sung a duet with Dia earlier in the show got up off of her seat and followed Christina Aguilera to her dressing room.

A stagehand said that he saw Lambert go inside and shut the door. He remarked that he could hear the fiery, little blonde country girl hollering at the top of her lungs at Christina that she did not appreciate it one bit the way that she had disrespected her husband Blake (Shelton).

Aguilera was heard to say shut the eff up you little Annie Oakley looking trailer trash yodeler. And Lambert fired back by saying that she was going to grab the National Anthem flubbing bi-lesbianite by her black rooted blonde hair and lead her around all over her dressing room as if she was a show heifer at a San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo.

The unidentified stagehand said that he could hear a lot of thumping and bumping going on in the dressing room. And then after about five minutes all of the screaming, hollering, and yelling suddenly stopped. And it got quiet, eerily quiet he said.

The door opened and out walked Miranda Lambert with a big old grin on her cute little round face that looked like her cornbread had just won the Martha White, White Wings Gladiola Flour Baking Cornbread Contest down in Natchez, Mississippi.

The stagehand said that he peeked into Christina's dressing room and all he could see were two lamps lying on the floor, two chairs turned over, a sofa lying on its side, a broken coffee table, and the lighted make up mirror with all of its 18 light bulbs completely broken.

He said that he could not see Miss Aguilera but that he did hear a slight moan coming from what appeared to be the bathtub.

In other news. The Sarah Palin Nationwide Bus Tour was supposed to have stopped in Kalamazoo, Michigan, but didn't since the campaign manager found out that only three Sarah Palin supporters had showed up at the rallying point which was the parking lot of a local IHOP.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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