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Thursday, 23 June 2011

image for Glastonbury Festival 2011 a Mudbath yet again
Glasto favourites 'Pussydoll Cats' now on holiday in Barbados

Torrential rain greeted the first people to reach Worthy Farm.

More than 130,000 people have already arrived on site at Worthy Farm, Pilton, and a further 7,000 are expected today. They face muddy conditions on the first day of Glastonbury and have been warned to expect more heavy downpours over the next four days.

This, in itself, is perfectly normal for the retro-hippy festival, held every year for 40 years.

Festival-goer Mike Annabisstash, 93, told us, "Yeah man, like, it's been a farmyard every year. I just make sure I've got enough good weed to, like, float above the quagmire."

Far more controversially, though, is the withdrawl of headlining acts U2, Coldplay and Beyonce.

Bono left a message on the band's website saying, "Sure, I go to Africa because it's dusty and hot, and starving kids big up my political image. But if youz think I'm spending a fecking day in fecking mud getting fecking wet you can just feck off."

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin gave similar reasons for avoiding the event, but conceded that they would give away a free CD to 'disappointed fans' who can ill-afford tickets anyway.

One disgruntled fan remarked, "So Coldplay have announced they will be giving away a free CD to every concert goer as a 'recession-busting mark of gratitude' to their fans? Well thank fuck for that. I'll be able to sleep easy now Chris, and not worry about losing my house."

Another attendee said, "What a lot of bollocks. We all know that even a free Coldplay CD is 'overcharging'."

Beyonce said that mud was the overwhelming factor for her pulling out. "It's just too brown and sticky," she is reported to have complained.

Again, concert-goers are apoplectic. One irate man told us, "Up till now the only thing that's been brown and sticky is my Beyonce poster. That's gonna get replaced with one of Justin Bieber. I'm not bloody fussy."

Glasto promoter Michael Eavis has been desperately trying to find replacement headlining acts. So far he's managed to contact 70's favourites Black Lace and The Partridge Family.

Sunday headliners are to be West Country favourites 'The "I am a Cider Drinker" Wurzels', who have had to cancel their gig at Butlins, Minehead to be there. "We wuz at Glasterberry laast year and got bottled off the stage," said Tommy Banner, Accordianist, who lists his hobbies as Football and Hedgehog Racing, "so we're hopin' fer a better reception."

Michael Eavis told us, "I'm not unduly worried. With the amount of L.S.D I'm planning to pump into the water system the punters will think they're going to be watching the Lizard Kings from the 5th dimension of Nazkabar."

Latest weather: Rain.

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