Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Thursday, 9 June 2011

image for Clint Eastwood To Direct Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, and Shakira In The R-Rated Western "The High Noon Moon"
Old Bossy the stunt cow that appears in "The High Noon Moon." (Photo taken by Shakira).

SAN FRANCISCO - Clint Eastwood became famous in America for playing Rowdy Yates, a cattle herd ramrod on the television western Rawhide which ran from 1959 through 1965.

He later traveled to Italy where he made the infamous spaghetti westerns in which he starred as the short cigar smoking Man With No Name.

Several movie trivia sites have now stated that they are 99.2 percent sure that the Man With No Name in the spaghetti westerns was actually named Bernard P. Wickleworth but the movie executives decided that the name Bernard P. Wickleworth did not sound exactly like a Wild West name.

The Tinsel Town Times Tribune contacted Eastwood at his Carmel, California ranch and asked him if the name was in fact a factual one.

Eastwood in typical Eastwood fashion, put down his bottle of Diet Tea Snapple and asked, "Who wants to know?"

5T reporter LaTuna LaTundra softly whispered, "I do sir."

And with that Eastwood broke out laughing, hugged LaTuna and told her that yes, the character that he portrayed in the fourlogy spaghetti western series of films was in fact named Bernard P. Wickleworth.

Eastwood was then asked about his latest movie the R-rated Western titled The High Noon Moon in which he not only directs but also has a small cameo role.

He replied that he first read the book of the same name while on vacation down in Cancun, Mexico with his wife and her hair stylist two years ago.

Eastwood said that his wife and her hair stylist both read the book as well. He laughed and said that the hair stylist Jose Jose of San Jose, who was also a bit player asked him if he could play the part of LaPalomita Tampico.

Clint shot him an extremely serious glance and replied that the character of LaPalomita is a female. And with that Jose Jose did a ballerina spin, jumped like a fairy into the air, did two and a half spins, and landed on the floor in the splits position.

Eastwood shook his head and said that he would keep him in mind if he ever filmed Sissy Shorts - The Richard Simmons Story.

He said that he immediately contacted the author Mansfield Wimfaust and purchased the movie rights. Eastwood told LaTundra that from the very beginning he knew that he wanted both Taylor Lautner and Zac Efron to portray the movies main characters brothers Durango and Laramie Buzztucker.

He said that both actors have the exact same looking elbows, knees, and bicuspids.

Eastwood confessed that his first choice to play the female lead LaPalomita Tampico was Lindsay Lohan but when she got herself all messed up with that necklace BS he quickly dumped her.

He then decided to offer the part to Scarlett Johansson but at the time she was just too involved with Sean Penn and she did not want to wander too far off from his crotch region.

Eastwood said that one day as he was sitting at a Burger Bandit in Carmel he read a newspaper headline that mentioned Manchester United's soccer star Chicharito and his girlfriend Shakira.

Eastwood saw the photo of Shakira wearing a tight-fitting pink miniskirt and right away he knew that he had found the woman to play LaPalomita Tampico.

He got her phone number from Larry King and he called her up and offered her the part. She gladly accepted it when he told her that he would pay her a very nice salary plus he would personally purchase 2,000 of her newest CDs.

Eastwood remarked to LaTuna LaTunda of 5T that he really loved his sexy cameo 'poking' bedroom scene between LaPalomita and his character Hank "Quick Draw" Quackweather.

He smiled like the Carmel cat that swallowed the Cucamonga canary and said that in all of the years of starring and in directing movies that he had never had a scene that took him 19 takes to complete.

The movie is scheduled to premier in San Juan Capistrano, California on July 18, which is Cow Appreciation Day.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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