Written by ExiledRoyal
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Sunday, 5 June 2011

image for Come Dine With Me - The Cannibal Edition
Come and be dined on

Channel 4 favourite Come Dine With Me has become staple viewing for foodies across the country. The programme, where 5 strangers meet over the course of a week, are treated to home cooking by each contestant in turn, and then vote on the results with a prize for the winner of £1000, is a culinary smorgasbord for millions of viewers.

Spin-offs have included 'Celebrity Come Dine With Me', and 'Come Dine With Me Down Under'.

Producers of the show have been desperate to freshen up the image forsome time now and, lo and behold, they seem to have struck the tastebud jackpot.

Come Dine With Me - The Cannibal Edition is to be aired later next month with five of the most notorious People-Eaters the current world has seen.

First contestant is Jeffrey Dahmer from the USA who, when he was a child, used to bring road kill back to his parents' home. Jeffrey has been on a recent spree in his local county and is preparing dishes using virgin vagina, made from the vaginas of real virgins, and Fresh Blood Sauce. Pudding will be including a freshly produced placenta topped with sputum custard.

Jeffrey was unable to talk to The Spoof today as he was busy butchering girls in his basement.

Secondly, James P. Riva. When James Riva was 23 years old he shot and killed his handicapped grandmother while she sat in her wheel-chair, and then stabbed her several times in the heart.

James tells us that, for old times sake, he's going to go for old again. "Why go for lamb when you can have mutton?" he queries. "And to make things a little unique I'm going to smoke her loins in burning tyre rubber."

Next are couple Daniel and Manuela Ruda. This German couple murdered Daniel's co-worker and friend, stabbing him 66 times, hitting him with a hammer and drinking his blood. "Our speciality is Lung Butter, served on a crisp lettuce base with, of course, fresh lungs."

Tsutomu Miyazaki is the fourth guest. Known as The Little Girl Killer, The Otaku Killer and Dracula, this Japanese serial killer mutilated and murdered four little girls.

Channel 4 are most excited about his inclusion in the show. Executive Producer Rip Cuticles tells The Spoof, "We nearly didn't get Tsutomu. He was sentenced to death in 1997 and executed in 2008. However, due to the wizardry of Computer Generated Graphics, he is alive and ready to cook up a storm. We've been able to use original footage of his atrocities to encourage a near perfect reconstruction."

Fifth is legend Charles Manson, not strictly a cannibal but certainly capable of bloody atrocity himself. Manson has a surprise in store for the other four Human Digesters. "I'm not preparing anything until they arrive. Then after they've had an aperitif of Pink Champagne and German Cucumbers I'll fire up the barbeque and set about them with a chain-saw. Yum yum yum!"

Dave Lamb, sarcastic and funny 'voice' of the series, will be providing commentary from behind a bullet-proof screen. "It's definitely a first for TV," says Dave, "though I have to admit I've brought a bucket and facemask with me when things get a bit too gross."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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