Written by Jalapenoman
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Tuesday, 8 November 2005

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Britney Spears is being sued because she has not lost her baby weight.

In a strange twist, the tabloid magazines (The Globe, The Star, The National Enquirer, and several others) have jointly filed a lawsuit against singer and recent mother Britney Spears. In a press conference announcing the lawsuit, Marvin Stapleton of The National Enquirer explained that, "Ever since she had her baby a couple of months ago, she hasn't dropped any weight. No one wants to see a fat Britney on our magazine cover with a baby, they want us to sneak photos of a hot Britney Spears breastfeeding in her backyard or in a restaurant ladies room. She should know by now that topless sells magazines and magazine sales keep you famous."

"We've tried to contact the singer/actress to ask her to pose for these so that we could alter them in the darkroom, but her response has been insulting. She told us where we could put our cameras, and it wasn't nice."

"We are also considering filing suit against other celebrities for other reasons. Paris Hilton has not mis-placed her little rat dog in months. The Olsen twins, Hillary Duff, and Lindsay Lohan are now all of legal age and none of them has let us sneak any topless photos or thong shots. We still haven't managed to capture Burt Reynolds or WIlliam Shatner without their toupees. Ricky Martin refuses to confirm rumors that he is gay. Richard Gere still won't come clean on the gerbil. No one will admit to sleeping with Chelsea Clinton (someone has to be starved somewhere for publicity!), Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have been faithful to each other for too many years and have not provided us any dirt. No one has seen Elvis in a Dunkin Donuts in years. The Abominable Snowman and Bigfoot and Batboy are all laying low. We haven't had a 400 pound toddler at all in 2005. Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan have not insulted each other since the spring."

"If these stars do not start dropping trou or falling out of their tops, we are going to have to report serious news stories! Who wants to read that in their check out line at the supermarket?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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