Written by Erskin Quint
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Tuesday, 10 May 2011

image for Robert Pattinson Fans Shocked By Water For Elephants "Cruelty" Claims
Movie Magic: Some Wood, Yesterday.

Robert Pattinson's latest vehicle Water For Elephants has already been hailed as a work of classic cinema.

"Promises to be one of the most notable examples of a film about water and elephants this year!" trumpeted Sabu, the film critic of Pachyderm Hydration Quarterly, "It looks like there will be lots of stuff about water, elephants, and, hopefully, all kinds of combinations of the two, where water and elephants come into contact in interesting ways. I fully intend to borrow it when it comes out on DVD."

Water For Elephants is a depressing story about a circus elephant set in the Romantic era. Hang on, is that the right way around? Let's try it the other way. Water For Elephants is a romantic story about a circus elephant set in the Depression era. It's no good, I can't decide. Now which way is best? Hmmm.

Robert Pattinson stars as a piece of wood named Robert Pattinson, Reese Wildebeest plays a blonde airheaded bimbo with an attractive body and someone called Christoph Cha-Cha plays a nasty cruel person who the audience will hate.

Not everybody is in love with Water For Elephants, however. Dame Fortune's seesaw has been tipped in the other direction by disturbing claims of cruelty from an anti-abuse charity. These allegations are sure to shock the movie's fans and have a real impact on its otherwise stellar status in the cinematic pantheon.

In Defence of Audiences has claimed that video footage it has posted online shows Robert Pattinson and co-stars Reese Apostlespoon and Christoph Tango abusing the film's audiences while they were on-set making the film.

IDA Chief Executive Jan Milker said: "We were unhappy about the message of this movie and the more we witnessed the repeated assertions that its audiences were being treated fairly and with respect, the more we felt that we had to get the truth out to the public.

"The movie-going public have been duped. These poor actors - very poor in the case of Robert Pattinson - were forced to perform all kinds of tricks in order to make the film watchable.

"Big placards were held up off-camera with their lines painted on in giant capital letters, a man with a loud-hailer was employed to shout out prompts, and, in key scenes between Robert Pattinson and Reese Widdershins, Pattinson was replaced by an actual plank of wood and an inflatable sex doll was substituted for his co-star. Clever editing and terrible acting ensure that the public will not be able to tell these scenes apart from those in which the stars actually tried to act out their ludicrous and vacuous roles."

These claims have been contradicted by counter-claim contradictions made at the claims counter by contradictory claim counter staff at a Yukon claims registry. We have no further details of these particular contradictory counter-claims. We are, however, able to report on some other counter-claims.

We have it from no less a source than celebrity oracle Bingo Cashcow Bimbomountain XIII, as well as from the artificially-inflated lips of Hollywood columnist Gutsi S Vermont, that the Los Angeles agency that supplied the actors, has made some contradictory counter-claims of its own.

Directors of the Hams For Hire agency, Sol Woodworker and Hiram Mahogany-Corpse IV, issued a statement, supplied to us by the above duo of tittle-tattle titans, stating, among other statements, that: "These audience rights operations are using our actors' roles as a vehicle to take advantage of their undoubted fame and celebrity in order to further their cause, which is no less an ambition than to remove from public entertainment all forms of idiotic drama and wooden acting calculated to appeal to the lowest and most execrable forms of human cultural appetite.

"These groups have no experience of working with terrible actors or appalling scripts representing a disgraceful travesty of original works of fiction. They have no knowledge of what is involved in making an absolute killing out of peddling dumbed-down piffle to a brain-dead public. Their footage is obviously doctored and edited.

"As our movie proves, you can mess around with any old crap and fix it up to suit your purposes.

"That's what we call movie magic. It's pretty much of an irony that these groups are using that to try to hit us below our money belts!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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