Written by Jalapenoman
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Sunday, 1 May 2011

image for Mormon Tablernacle Choir Organist Goes Postal
The famous Tabernacle on Temple Square in Salt Lake City was the site of a recent rampage

Frank Ashton, one of the official organists for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, went on a shooting rampage after a recent choir concert, killing or wounding two members of the choir, four members or the Orchestra at Temple Square, and eleven concert goers. As of this writing, five of these people are dead, two have been released from local hospitals, and the rest are in critical condition.

Don Shumway, a spokesman with the Salt Lake City Police Department, said in a press conference that: "Mr. Ashton is in custody and is being kept under sedation and under guard at an area hospital."

"At 7:36 p.m. last evening, at the end of a choir performance, a young man asked Mr. Ashton how it felt to play around with the biggest organ in the world. At that point, suspect pulled two handguns from the organ bench and begin firing into the choir, orchestra, and crowd."

"During his rampage, he was heard to make the following statements:

Don't ask me to "come blow your horn" too!
Don't ask me how it feels to touch the world's biggest organ!"
Don't ask me if anyone ever blows my organ pipes!
Don't ask me if I've got brass balls to go with my brass organ pipes!
Don't tell me that you wonder how I zip up my pants with an organ that big!
Don't ask me how often I shine my pipes!
Don't ask me if I also play the skin flute!
Don't ask me if Brigham Young ever polished my organ pipes!
Don't ask me if there is a key to playing with my pipes!

"Psychiatrists with the department have determined that asking this question at this time was the final straw in a fragile and fracturing mind. We're also referring to this incident as a Postal Strike!"

All of the other organists connected with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (there are five others) are under mental counseling at this moment to keep them from also going on a rampage. When one of them was informed of Ashton's killing spree, his response was "It's about flipping time! Fetch, I've always wanted to do that myself!"

After the shooting, witnesses say that it was so quiet in the Tabernacle that "you could have heard a pin drop."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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