Written by Reddon
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Tuesday, 26 April 2011

image for New Book Reveals That Lassie Was A Right Old Dog
Come Up And See Me Sometime, Big Boy

Some shocking revelations emerge in Seymour Basilca's recently released biography, "Lassie Was A Right Old Dog," alleging that Hollywood's all time canine favourite was no better than any other old dog.

The book portrays Lassie as a hard drinking, drug abusing pillar of promiscuity who was abusive to her staff, harboured violent tendencies and was known to throw hissy fits, often throwing mobile phones at hotel staff as she entertained a string of lovers, from Boxer dogs and Alsatians, to mongrels and Dachshunds, whilst claiming to be in a long term loving relationship with a meerschaum pipe smoking bloodhound named Alan.

Hollywood dogologists, infuriated by Seymour Basilica's unflattering portrayal have disputed his version of events, insisting that Lassie was really more like Lady out of Lady And The Tramp, rather than the Joan Crawford type out of Mommie Dearest.

Basilica suggests in his tome that Lassie was mother to as many as 76 puppies by as many as nine doggy fathers, and that she would treat her pups with contempt, often biting them or kicking them with her back legs.

Even going so far as to starve them by eating their dog food.

Retired hotel porter, August Darnell Shirelle, one time employee of the Hollywood Bilton Dawg Hotel had mixed memories of Lassie when we tracked him down to the Golden Years Retirement compound in Long Beach.

"Yes sir," he said. "Lassie was sho' nuff doggy royalty back in da day. That dawg wuz a queen among queens back in the day, beautiful, elegant, polite and shit. But when the drink and the drugs started taking ahold, there wuz no dealin' wit her. She'd git loud and blousy, and git to barking at the staff, her own people, and her puppies. That bitch had some vicious mouth on her. Yessuh. I seed her go off up the alleyway wid jess about any ole dawg who happened to be passin'. Sometimes wid a whole bunch of 'em. The damn howlin' sometimes kep' the whole neighborhood awake. Sometimes she'd stay out all day and all night, only returnin' home at dawn, when she'd sometimes sleep it all off for three or four days at a stretch. It all went wrong when she got to thinkin' she wuz better than Lizbeth Taylor. Last I heard of her she wuz livin' in a trailer in Oakland, California. I guess y'all could say she wuz da original rock n roll bitch."

All of which appears to support Basilica's book allegations.

Despite furious opposition, Basilica remains determined to go ahead with his new project - 'Rin Tin Tin, The Dead Highland Terrier Bitch And The Mysterious Coke Bottle.'

Both books will soon be available on Orinoco.con for $76, or $67 for the pair.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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