Written by Bill Licks
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Saturday, 16 April 2011

image for Impressionist cat is the favourite to win Britain's Got Talent
'Michael Mcintyre's a comedian??? You're pulling my fucking whiskers mate'

A 5 year old cat from Wembley is the favourite to win Britain's Got Talent after performing a stand up routine featuring several hilarious impressions.

'He's fantastic' squealed new judge Michael Mcintyre. 'The moment he walked on stage I just couldn't stop laughing.'

'I thought his impressions were spot on. He must have spent months studying his subjects to be able to replicate such an amazing likeness.'

'For example, when he walked up to the microphone stand and sprayed a small amount of urine over it I immediately knew he was doing Simon Cowell.'

'I was in stitches because that's exactly what happened to me when I said 'Hello' to Simon Cowell in the gent's toilets this morning. He looked at me, sneered and then pissed all over my shiny new shoes.'

' Genius.'

'Then, when he rolled on to his back, leaned forward and started licking his man bits I looked at my fellow judge Amanda Holden and laughed until my sides ached.'

'Only yesterday did I accidently walk into Amanda's dressing room only to see her lying on her back whilst Simon Cowell stood over her as she licked his....er.... sherbert fountain.'

'That's like doing two impressions in one.'

'Amazing'

'But he saved the best until last.'

'He rubbed his head all over a catnip toy then stumbled around the stage as if he was drunk before he took a swing at Ant or Dec (I never know which one's which). He then crouched down and took a dump in the corner of the stage, made a hissing and spitting sound and passed out.'

'I laughed so much that I nearly pee'd myself because that's exactly what David Hasselhoff did when he arrived for rehearsals this afternoon.'

'Stupendous'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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