Written by Reddon
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Topics: crazy, Bear Grylls

Sunday, 20 March 2011

image for "Bear Grylls Has Gone Mad!" Says Neighbour
Bear Ducks For His Own Safety

LONDON - According to a man who claims to be a neighbour, intrepid television survivalist and the youngest Briton to ever summit Mount Everest, Bear Grylls has gone completely mad.

According to his alleged neighbour, Bear Grylls has been indulging in completely bizarre and unpredictable behaviour.

"He's a right nutter," Jacob Creek of Crawley Gardens told reporters. "He comes over my fence in the middle of the night and leaps into my modest water feature, before pulling himself out on vines and ropes and stuff. He's bloody barking mad if you ask me."

Although Creek's claims have thus far been uncorroborated, neighbours have reported a noticable decline in the numbers of urban foxes, garden snails, and greenfly.

"It's that Bear Grylls," one said. "The man's bloody mad. I got woken up last night by a helicopter hovering over my back garden, and some bloke with a camera crew jumped down into my flower beds and started a fire with my garden furniture. It was all terribly disturbing. Especially when I woke up this morning to find my back garden full of snares. Heaven knows what the effect will have on the cat."

A Discovery Channel spokesperson said that the claims were totally without foundation, and that the complainants were obviously "a bit mental."

Adding that Bear Grylls only ever operates in hostile environments in his capacity as a television survivalist.

Local taxi driver, Joe Baxi commented:

"I dunno nuffink abaht this mate. Nuffink ter do wiv me. Although, 'avin said that, I did see a geezer in survival gear trying to paddle a raft made out of oil barrels an' planks down Ealing Broadway...but I wuz a bit cream crackered at the time, so I wouldn't swear to it."

Bear Grylls was unavailable for comment as he was stuck in a cave in Costa Rica fighting off vampire bats with a flaming torch and hoping that his camera crew had made it out of a swollen white water river.

More as he gets it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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