Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 28 February 2011

image for The Academy Awards: Kirk Douglas Announcing The Winner of The Best Supporting Actress Award Marks The First Time The Orchestra Actually Had To Play The "Hurry Up And Finish" Music
A recent photo of Melissa Leo who won this year's "Best Supporting Actress Award" for 'The Fighter.'

HOLLYWOOD - One of Hollywood's legends, Kirk Douglas, who during his career made close to 3,000 movies, was on hand at The 83rd Annual Academy Award Show.

Douglas presented the award for Best Supporting Actress. But it was not in the usual...and the winner is...manner, no. Kirk, who is 94, definitely took his time and showed that at his age, he was really not going to be attending any after the award show parties so he had plenty of time to just take his time.

The bigger than live big screen legend who during his film career played such notables as Spartacus, Vincent Van Gogh, Doc Holliday, Johnny Appleseed, and Burt Lancaster relished the applause and adulation that the Kodak Theater Audience gave him.

Someone in the audience even shouted out for him to sing his hit song "I've Got Me A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts" apparently confusing him with the late Merv Griffin. Douglas was gracious and replied that he'd like to but he had left his accordion at home.

And so as the five nominated actresses sat in their seats biting their fingernails, their jewelry, their Sharpie autograph pens, or in the case of 14-year-old Hailee Steinfeld of True Grit, her Selena Gomez 'Purity Ring' Mr. D continued with his sloooooow small talk.

But finally after 37 minutes and the orchestra playing the 'hurry up and finish music' to a tremendous 115 decibel crescendo that culminated in a cymbal crash that no doubt was heard four blocks away, Kirk Douglas finally announced the winner - Melissa Leo for her performance in The Fighter.

Melissa rushed up to the stage, took the microphone away from Douglas ala Kanye West, and started to thank everyone who made her win possible up until she uttered the four letter "F" word and then her mic was cut off and the award show director went to a Preparation H commercial.

USA Sunup is reporting that Kirk Douglas may be appearing in a western about the life of Billy The Kid. Douglas will portray Billy the Kid's great, great grandfather William the Old Geezer in the movie, "Billy The Kid - The Original Old West Kidder Himself."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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