Written by Erskin Quint
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Wednesday, 16 February 2011

image for Robert Pattinson And Kristen Stewart Disappear
Indigestible: A Fat Man Wheels In More Dubious Arguments Yesterday

It has been exclusively revealed to us here at Tripe News International that Twilight toothsome twosome and bloodsucking bosom buddies and blood transfusing Transylvanian top totty superstars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have disappeared.

Yes, Tripe News International comes exclusively to you with the hot gossip about the vampiric vanishing act of the preternatural pair, the cute chupacabra couple, of lycanthropic lovers.

Here at Tripe News International, we know all about tripe. We're always first to plonk our tasty tripe tittle-tattle down onto the congealed blood-clogged butcher's counter of celebrity chit-chat.

We wear our gore-splattered butcher's apron with pride.

We brandish our ordure-caked cleaver with honour.

We know all about the various types and varieties of tripe, and its intimate relationship to celebrity culture. Only here, for example, can you read about the three types of tripe harvested from the stomach of a dead cow:

  1. Smooth Tripe - from the First Stomach
  2. Honeycomb Tripe - from the Second Stomach
  3. Leaf Tripe - from the Third Stomach

Only here, we say, here at Tripe News International, can you truly be said by us to be able to read about these types of tripe in intimate connection with these true vampires:

  • Robert Pattinson
  • Kristen Stewart

That's three tripes and two teentastic Twilight titans. More tripe than true vampires? That's right - and it's only Tripe News International that can give you this tripetastic titbit of Twilight tripe tittle-tattle.

Those three types of tripe, now, they're culled from the stomachs of cow corpses, as we reveal above. But what of the living bovine beast? What of the stomach of that gentle giant of the buttercup meadow?

Well, dear reader, these living cows use their stomachs in the fascinating process of rumination.

Rumination, dearest reader, is the process whereby ruminants - like lovely Daisy the cow - digest the grassy materials upon which they feed.

Grass goes into the cow's mouth. Therefrom it passes into the first stomach, which is known to the initiated as the rumen. Here is where the great quantities of vegetative matter are stored and softened over time within the great shuddering mass of our dear old cow.

From the rumen, the grasses pass back up into the mouth of our cow, where she proceeds to chew this regurgitated matter. This matter is called the cud, and our cow has a jolly good chew of it, before it is swallowed yet again, and then is passed directly to the remaining three stomachs of the cow, namely, the reticulum, omasum, and abomasum. Thus the grassy substances are finally digested deeply and fully.

Thus the vegetable greenery is ruminated by the simple cow, and converted into nutritious milk for our jugs and beef for our roasting tins.

What a docile servant is the passively ruminating cow that loves to graze peacefully in our pastures.

It is not for us here at Tripe News International to labour any points about connections between the docile milch cows and Twilight's Twihard herds or hordes of farmed fanatics. That's for you to ruminate upon. Will you chew the cud and digest the dope?

But soft, ever-gentle reader! What are we doing? Where are Robert and Kristen? Were we not about to dish the dirt on the disappearing act of our fangtastical fiendish friends?

Well, Tripe News International has done it again! For neither Robert Pattinson, nor Kristen Stewart, is anywhere to be discovered here. Yes, friends, they've definitely disappeared!

There's nothing here but talk about tripe.

Tripe News International: Always Tip Top for Tripe Talk!

Tomorrow: Why a camel has three stomachs but nobody can stomach Eric Pickles or digest his silly statistics

Make Erskin Quint's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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