Written by Nick Hobbs
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Tuesday, 15 February 2011

image for Soap Stars Unite To Ensure Valid Votes For Characters
A voter voting at their local voting station at voting time.

TV's soap-land has gone in to a frenzy this week with major stars from all corners of the entertainment universe uniting for one cause, to give equal votes to their characters.

Ken Barlow, no relation to Gary, who lives at number 1 Coronation Street, told us "it's time we were recognized for our contribution to society by being given a vote come election time. The way governments handle things affect us just as much as the man on the street."

William Roache, the actor who plays the dreary old buzzard, told us in the same voice "I completely agree with Ken on this, and we don't always agree on things. Like I would have told Peter he was marrying a cheating whore! But he should be allowed to vote as freely as I can, whatever his weird ideologies."

Speaking to the 'League Of Getting The Vote For Soap Characters', who are spear-heading the campaign on behalf of the actors unions, we asked if the proposal would mean the actor effectively getting two votes?

Sandy Beach, spokeswoman, told us "not at all. The actor would retain their vote as usual, but the character would get a totally independent vote. Just because June Brown is a devout Labourite, for instance, it would not necessarily mean her character Dot Cotton couldn't be a Conservative, for example! The two would be treated separately."

But who makes the decision on which way the character would vote?

"Ultimately, the decision would be brain-stormed in a top-secret scriptwriting session, weeks before the polling stations opened," Beach continued, "we would have to keep the results closely guarded, apart from letting the TV guides know of course, so it doesn't interfere with their listings."

"Then we'd rehearse a few days before the election, and come the day we'll be more than prepared to vote!" she finished.

Sophie Webster, who is portrayed by Ashleigh Middleton, told us in a horrible whiny voice "it's stupid we can't vote. I'll be 18 in November and want the right to state my opinion on the way the government have treated us students!"

Ashleigh however was less convinced "I'm not so sure it's a good idea. I mean what next? Lesbians allowed to vote? I mean, really? Although I suppose Sophie has a right to her opinion. So I guess it wouldn't hurt."

Fear has spread through government though, with critics hailing the idea as 'preposterous' and 'abhorrent'.

Clint Sanderson-Dyke-Ladle, Conservative MP for Upper Stifflip in Kent told us, in a pompous-plum-in-throat-too-posh-to-talk-properly croak "I think it's wrong. Really truly wrong! Why give that rabble a vote? They do nothing for this country! They will taint the voting system, just as they taint my weekday evening's watching telly in my fourth, legally expense claimed home, with my elderly, disabled legally expense claimed sister!"

"What next?" he continued as his cheeks got redder and his blood pressure increased to dangerous levels "will all the film actors come out and ask for 'back-dated votes' for all their past characters in films stretching back years? It could change governments from decades ago! Madness, I tell you, utter madness!"

But it seems the proposed changes would not affect everyone in TV land.

Steve Halliwell, no relation to Geri, who plays Zak Dingle in Emmerdale, told us in a surprisingly posh voice "it wouldn't really affect me, I'm afraid. You see Zak doesn't really pay taxes or anything, he's somewhat 'under the radar' as they say! So he would have no right to vote anyway!"

We follow this story with interest.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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