From SEN's 'Sorry but we couldn't resist it Dept.' - Weatherfield bookmaker Peter Barlow today took leave of his senses and completely lost it at a ceremony to bless his death-bed wedding to Leanne Battersby as was.
Barlow, injured and almost killed in a fatal CGI tram crash a few weeks ago managed to stagger heroically down the aisle before an admiring congregation of nosy neighbours, only to draw gasps of astonishment as he interrupted the pretend vicar midstream and went off on one.
To the horror of 'bride' Leanne - a former prostitute and established slapper turned devoted wife and stepmother.
Barlow rounded on those gathered there present, offering his 'bride' divorce papers, before roundly condemning her for shagging the arse off his best mate - a slimy piece of work if ever there was one - Nick Tilsley. (Son of Gail - hardly surprising then that he's confused. He was married to the bride too at one point before he ran away to Canada and came back as a completely different person.)
In the following exchanges, Barlow soundly slated Leanne, Nick, his father (Kenneth - the canal boat pirate dog-walking sex marauder) and his stepmother Dierdre. (Shagger of that bloke from the corner shop, senile Cockney spiv Mike Baldwin, and Nigel Havers, amongst many others.) He then launched a vicious verbal assault on one time friend, Carla Connor (the one who's quite fit but has a dead aggravating voice. Who was married to homicidal maniac Tony Gordon, but shagging her dead ex's brother Liam at the time, leading to a nasty accident.)
Following his tirade, Barlow slumped in a seat, exhausted by the stress of trying to act like a Lancashire version of Robert DeNiro, and listening to Janice twat on.
Neighbour and local gossip-monger Norris Cole was predictably outraged but obviously mad for it, only shutting up when given a stern ticking off by Rita - who also survived the CGI tram crash because she was pissed at the time and fell off a stool whilst trying to get some barley sugars off a top shelf when the CGI tram crash occurred.
It looks like it's all over for Peter and Leanne - despite Janice (Les's ex) also going off on one and giving all and sundry a piece of her mind.
One neighbour who didn't make the blessing ceremony, Sally Webster, was enjoying an intimate Valentine's Day dinner with her new friend Geoff, while her lesbian daughter Sophie sulked upstairs because her lesbian lover had gone off to Tunisia or Morocco or wherever to meet her mother's new chap, when estranged husband Kevin burst in with business partner Lloyd and that fit bird out of the taxi office, ostensibly to view the house, which Kev has put up for sale against Sally's wishes. So he can afford to look after the baby he had by the girl from the corner shop, who was also his business partner Tyrone's then wife, who were both tragically killed in the CGI tram crash. Effectively leaving Kevin holding the baby and looking at his chin in the mirror as he pondered what to do.
Kev wasn't too happy when he saw his ex cosying up to Geoff, aka Archie, the modelling agent who had tried to persuade daughter Rosie to get her kit off on camera, and a confrontation ensued as Lloyd and the fit bird from the taxi office squirmed embarrassedly.
It transpired that (completely changing the subject back to the beginning) Leanne (the ex-prostitute) wasn't totally happy about being ditched and humiliated by reformed (?) alcoholic, Peter, so she jumped in the car with him in a last ditch attempt to make up. (That creepy kid having been taken home earlier by adulterous geriatrics Ken and Dierdre.)
It seems like Peter is having none of it, despite Leanne's tearful protestations.
SEN supremo, Buffty Ginslinger remarked:
"It was a tragedy. It brought tears to my eyes. Gielgud and Olivier would have made a much better stick of it. Call it a wasted opportunity. Compared to drama - this was little more than a diorama."
We were. And we watched the CCTV footage twice.
More as we get it. But we can't swear to it.