A 14-year old boy sick and tired of tax evasion from Bollywood starlets, America's reluctance to adopt the metric-system, and Indonesia's crackdown on porn has decided to go on a masturbation strike. Vikram N Malhotra Jr. has vowed to stop playing with himself at a press conference. He then clarified that not only would he stop playing with himself at press conferences but also cease to touch himself at all conferences and non-conferences until further notice.
"I've seen a lot of old fat-bastards go on fasts to meet a political objective. Not eating is really no biggie for me. I'm not that into food anyway.
So I shall abstain from diddling myself. If my sacrifice goes unheeded I'm going to die all kinds of virgin and will gain admittance into one or the other heavens. If my demands are met then we'll have an India with honest item girls, an America in tune with the rest of the planet and most importantly, an Indonesia without ridiculous rules on porn.
Okay, I'll admit, this is mostly about porn and I don't really give a shit about the other stuff. I speak unto you paraphrasing a philanderer-philosopher "Ask not what porn can do for you but what you can do for porn!" My name is Vikram N Malhotra and I will not masturbate until my demands are met!"
The teen's parents are embarrassed and shocked beyond belief. His father, noted Kannada Anchor Vikram Malhotra of BharatRatna fame, has gone into shock and refused to talk to us. The lad's mum was more forthcoming. "One of the last things his dad, my husband, said was that he wished Viki had stayed moody and secretive instead of announcing his filthy business to everyone. He was considering changing his name as well, kind of like what the children of dictators do after their parents fall from grace, only in reverse because he's our son, you see. We called in the army but they said even the Arab armies don't interfere with peaceful protestors anymore."
The lad's teachers have surreptitiously increased his work-load. "Well, he's not typing with one hand anymore, is he? So he can type twice as fast as the other boys, can't he? So we'll give him double the work, won't we? You don't need more rhetorical-type questions, do you?" said his mathematics instructor.
Human rights groups are up in their right or left arm and busy typing up support blogs in one hand against these kind of attacks on young Vikram's protest. "He's also threatened to stop googling himself and refreshing his facebook page incessantly to look for more updates. These are the best years for self-pleasure in a boy's life. This young man is making a huge sacrifice for all of us. This is the price he's willing to pay to ensure Priyanka Chopra pays her tax. This is the price he's willing to pay to ensure America uses kilometers instead of miles. This is the price he's willing to pay to allow Indonesian pop stars to break into porn. He's a hero to us all," said the head of Amnesty International.