Hollywood and Vine----Lindsay Lohan has made it official. "Nobody loves me," she cried to a camera outside the New York State Supreme Courthouse where her former family is battling over everything they can fight over from money, custody and royalties to Constitutional rights, visitation rights, and ownership of the family name. "There is nothing sacred in this family."
"I may have to sing a song, something like Daughter To Father,' to get things off my chest so I can be in the right mood. You just never know where you're going to go and, trust me, when you've got to go you've got to go."
"I'm just tired of the Rumors' and the nastiness and all the stress," she cried. "Just look at my Mom. She's begun to walk like me and talk like me and share my clothes and blow out her hair just like me. It's too much for a young woman who has a career and personal matters to deal with. I need a break. Ma, get with it," she shouted to the world. " We'll cherry pick the time and the place! Just don't run away from me."
As for the hot topic of boys, Lindsay said, "I'm focusing on my career, not a relationship, although if someone hunky like Marky Mark Wahlberg or Jude Law were available in the right place at the right time, anything is possible. They're soooo hotttt! I could just swoon. I'm so heartbroken. Men just never do what you sing they're gonna do"
Lindsay went on, "I'm so wrapped up with my work for and with Barbie that I have no time for anything else. Our video is coming out soon and the Mattel people want me to sell Barbie dolls, especially the cute new one from My Scene Barbie with the beige dress, interchangeable high heels and faux fur trimmed coat and to make sure Bratz doesn't get their little hands on my director's chair and velvet rope."
"Remember I am not just another red head giving free advice. In my cool new Hollywood' DVD Barbie and me and all our buddies are going to go to school to be government spies, not mere normal girls playing table hockey and dancing to 'Dance Dance Revolution' rhythms all the time."
"Dancing with Barbie takes me to another level. Bratz can't say that. Bratz don't do videos and Bratz don't have Ken and Bratz aren't in My Scene. Barbie and I are just so tight."
"I'm a Barbie Doll and not a Brat. But, if, of course, Bratz made me an offer, I'd have to consider the possibilities."
If you liked this spoof of Lindsay, you can read more satires by clicking on my name above and reading about Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Tom Cruise, Madonna and some other cool stories and weightier political stuff or the return of Baby Root to the Yankees!