Written by K.C. Bell
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Sunday, 23 January 2011

image for Oprah To Pick Up Keith Olbermann
Sign on the dotted line.

Well, she isn't exactly going to hoist Keith Olbermann up over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes, but Oprah Winfrey has signed him for her newly created television network and presented him with the 5 o'clock news hour to continue with his Countdown program which was unceremoniously dumped last Friday evening by media giant/diva MSNBC. Whew.

While media giant/diva MSNBC feels it can afford to kick aside the goose that laid the golden eggs, (Rachel Maddow, Ed Schultz, Laurence O'Donnell) along with intelligent news-broadcasting, Oprah said: I want him on OWN, (the Oprah Winfrey Network). Or words to that effect.

"You're fired and take your potted plants with you," was still echoing around the walls of Black Rock when Oprah caught Mr. Olbermann marching through the swinging doors of the building, multiple plants in hand, and signed him up on the dotted line.

CNN's Anderson Cooper was covering the breakup with a panel of thirty-six pundits, when news broke that Oprah had tackled the golden goose.

"You mean he's already been hired by another network?" Or words to that effect. Cooper took a commercial break and reconvened with the same panel of thirty-six to discuss the Oprah factor and raised the burning issue: "Does this mean all of Olbermann's books will automatically make Oprah's monthly book club?"

Other networks were not as cerebral. Fox News called the dismissal an exorcism. The Food Network suggested MSNBC was merely separating a yolk from an egg-white. However, which is which was scrambled and not clearly defined. Not as ambiguous, ESPN called it a touchdown for Olbermann. PBS poetically described it as an Upstairs-Downstairs situation, though not clarifying which level young Mr. Olbermann occupied; noting, it was definitely not the banister. The History network applauded the transition confirming that Keith would no longer be relegated with the Ancient Aliens, while the Biography network announced they would update his biography. NBC asked, "Keith who?"

Unlike Conan O'Brien, Keith Olbermann will appear on Oprah's OWN faster that anyone can say Jay Leno, because no one messes with Oprah.

And the golden goose is preening!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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