Written by Erskin Quint
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Saturday, 22 January 2011

image for Justin Bieber Naked Pictures
Gratuitous Use Of Points-Garnering Vocabulary: An Aquatic Euphemism Yesterday

Canadian singer Justin Bieber - whose surname almost rhymes with Beaver, an aquatic mammal that builds dams and a euphemism for a woman's private parts - has some naked pictures that have been causing quite a stir.

What happened was that Justin got home from his job at the Stratford, Ontario Chinese Lantern Manufactory, where he supplements his meagre income from singing Puccini arias at childrens' parties.

Justin also reckons that the job provides essential grounding for him.

"Having the piss taken out of my poncey hairstyle and nancy-boy demeanour by the fat tattooed women who make the metal lantern frames really stops my ego from getting too bloated", he told a homeless dying drug addict lying in a pool of vomit and dog shit recently.

But back to the story.

Justin got home. His mother, Pattie Mallette - who was once married to Justin's father, Timmy Mallett, a famous blancmange-maker, barnacle-whisperer and failed Punch & Judy Man who is also a raving Queen with a spectacle fetish - was in bed having sex with their German Shepherd dog, Ramrod.

Justin ate some leftover roast narwhal, listened to the squeals and growls emanating from his mother's bedroom, and realised that he was bored.

So Justin repaired to the shithole that serves as their parlour. There, he took out an envelope from a drawer in the Welsh Dresser that his mother - who was having sex with their dog Ramrod - has inherited from her grandmother, Blodwyn Phrythrrchgwthyrthnnodd, a Welsh Dresser.

And so it was that Justin enjoyed a brief bit of respite from the trials of his onerous existence, by taking from this very envelope a number of photographs of views of Ontario Street, Stratford, Ontario in the summer that he had taken the previous year.

Once these photographs had been taken out of their protective envelope they were very much totally uncovered. In fact they were naked pictures.

Because he had taken these pictures himself, they were in fact the naked pictures of Justin Bieber.

So there was Justin Bieber. There were the naked pictures. If you are an idiot, "Justin Bieber Naked Pictures" is an apt summary of this instructive tale.

As to why the pictures have been causing "quite a stir", well, I am afraid there is no justification for that remark whatsoever. Well? What are you going to do about it, eh?

ARCTIC MAMMAL NEWS:

There was surprise yesterday when a one-legged man who entered a public library in Butte, Idaho, to return a copy of Embonpoint For The Flat-Footed saw a narwhal serving behind the returns counter. Well, who wouldn't be surprised at the existence of a library in Butte, Idaho?***

***WARNING - Satire

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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