Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Topics: The Bachelor

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

image for "The Bachelor" - Brad Keeps 14 And Says "See Ya" To 3
Brad Womack's pet owl which was given to him by Sarah Palin and which he named "Wise Ass."

LOS ANGELES - Brad "The Cad" Womack proved to the millions of viewers of ABCs The Bachelor that Michael Bublé and Harry Connick, Jr., have nothing to worry about.

The Bachelor and Ashley Hebert (pronounced: HAL-I-BUT) sang Vice-President Joe Biden's favorite song, "Kiss From A Rose" by Seal, who is actually better known as Mr. Heidi Klum.

The two destroyed the song so bad that after the show, Klum called the shows producers and told them that she has contacted their lawyer to see if they can take any legal action against ABC, Womack, Hebert, and the shows sponsors Monistat 7; Preparation H; and Little Debbie, makers of Little Debbie Pumpkin Delight Non-Diet Cookies.

Emily Maynard, the 24-year-old Southern girl who is self-conscious of her Dixie accent confided to Brad that when she is with him she gets so excited that she pees. She apologized and said that she couln't help it.

Brad smiled, gave her a fist-bump, and told her that she is not the first girl to ever have told him that and then he added that actually he has heard that from about nine different girls within the past three years alone.

Emily felt better and then excused herself to go and put on some fresh underwear.

Madison Garton, who is a member of the New York Underground Vampire Club, whatever the hell that is, confided to Brad as she was sitting on his lap, wearing nothing more than a see through black baby doll gown that she is not at all happy and that it's not really him, it's his strange habit of wearing bright red toenail polish.

Madison looked right at the cameraman and whispered that she would much rather be with someone like Brett Favre, who yes is a crybaby but at least he doesn't wear toenail polish.

Next we were introduced for some reason known only to the shows producers, to Womack's therapist, dentist, nutritionist, hair stylist, and proctologist the latter who giggled and said that his name was Dr. Barney Fappaluchi, but all of his patients call him Dr. Fingers.

The shows host Chris Harrison went to a commercial and afterwards it was time for the dreaded "Rose and Non-Rose" ceremony.

The first rose went to Michelle Money, who at 30 years of age is the oldest bachelorette. The Salt Lake City native got so excited that she did not realize that she had eaten three of the rose petals before the shows host took it away from her.

Chantal O'Brien, a Las Vegas favorite to win it all was given the second rose. She quickly put it in her hair and told Brad that she was a Spanish señorita from Barcelona.

Brad smiled and said, "Meet me behind the hacienda and I will kiss your musical maracas."

Twelve other girls received roses. And then it was the dreaded "Non-Rose" time. Madison Garton decided on her own to leave. In fact she had left earlier saying that she could no longer take the mean-spirited vampire fang jokes.

She admited that it had given her headaches, stomach aches, and that the cruelness of the jokes had temporarily halted her period. Brad made a face and told her "Okay, thank you Maddy. TMI...TM effen I Maddy."

Kimberly Coon, the ex-Carolina Panthers cheerleader responded at not getting a rose in a very unladylike manner. She got up and yelled as she was leaving that she was glad to be leaving especially since Brad was nothing but a little peckered punk who smelled like spoiled baby food.

The next to exit stage left was Sarah Powell. She cried and cried and her mascara and eye liner started to run so bad that both got all over her mouth. She walked over to Brad to give him a goodbye kiss and he made a face as he noticed all of the gunk on her lips.

He moved his head back and gave her a fist-bump instead. Powell was highly offended and remarked that its times like these that she wishes she was a lesbian because another woman would not care about all the yicky yucky gunk on her lips and would have even French kissed her.

In next week's edition of The Bachelor, Brad and the remaining 14 bachelorettes will travel to California's famed Napa Valley wine country where they will learn how wine bottle corks are made.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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