Written by Erskin Quint
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Thursday, 20 January 2011

image for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Talk To The Dalai Lama
Cosmic: A Desart of Vast Eternitie Yesterday

A dreadful fate seems to have befallen Twilight movie stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, writes Andy Marvel, Celebrity Metaphysics Correspondent.

The toothsome twosome have been on the crest of a celebrity wave ever since the movie franchise began to garner dollars and fans and more dollars, garnering yet more dollars and fans and more dollars for super-sexy Vampyre Children Robert and Kristen.

But fame and fortune has its pitfalls. The demi-world of celebrity is a dimension of illusion and delusion akin to Charles Lutwidge Dodgson's* fictional **Through The Looking-Glass and ***Wonderland domains, or the equally-fictional universes of Quantum Physics or Special and General Relativity.

Shifting sands and treacherous currents are a constant threat to those embarking on an expedition across the 'desarts of vast eternitie' that cover the hostile planet of stardom, and these phenomona can engulf even the most-stellar luminescences in celebrity's bejewelled firmament.

And so it is that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have become victims of a massive reality warp from which they can never escape.

A source close to the Twilight Netherworld furnished us with some detailed data this morning. These data paint a disturbing picture of perpetual perceptual imprisonment.

"It happened just this morning", our source told us. "Robert and Kristen awoke in their bohemian apartment near Much Wenlock, Shropshire, where, up to then, they had been enjoying a hard-earned break from the Twilight treadmill.

"Immediately, they knew something was wrong. 'Something is wrong. I knew it as soon as I awoke', said Robert. Kristen could only agree.

"Robert went to the window and drew the curtains. Looking out, he did not see the usual much-loved view of the rolling pastures of their lesbian dominatrix neighbour Myfanywy Clitburglar's farm. He did not see anything.

"There was nothing to see. A mere blankness. Robert called Kristen over. She confirmed that there was nothing outside the window.

"'There's nothing outside the window', she confirmed. At first they thought it might just be very misty. This was exciting. They both love mist. It's very Gothic and Romantic, is mist. But this was not mist. It was not anything.

"They went downstairs, and the view from the windows down there was much the same. That is, it was not a view. There was nothing to view.

"Kristen opened the front door. Robert opened the back door. Kristen called out 'there's nothing out front'. Robert called back, as if in response, 'there's nothing out back either'.

"Robert performed an experiment. He gathered together a doughnut, a Moebius Strip they'd made the previous night and a copy of The Cloud of Unknowing, which their Postman, Mr Eckhart, who is a mystic, had lent them last week.

"He threw these objects out of the back door. The objects did not arc into the air and then fall, as usually happens. They did not do anything at all. As soon as they passed beyond the doorway, they seemed to disappear. They simply were not."

Our source spun his Tibetan Prayer Wheel a few times, before continuing. "Robert was panicking. He thought they might have been suffering some after-effects of Monday evening's visit to their friend, advocate of psychedelic drug explorations and all-round spaced-out freak Timothy Leary, who lives in a tree house near Hereford. But Kristen kept her head. She said 'I know just the guy to help', and she rang their other friend the Dalai Lama, who was at home in Tibet, visiting the Chinese officials who are staying at his monastery.

"Sure enough, His Holiness Tenzin Gyatso - for it was he - said to Kristen: 'Don't panic kid. I've got this. You're both trapped in a fictional Bardo state which is an in-between condition, a kind of purgatory, in Western terms, into which those suffering from an excess of karmic delusion often fall. You will just have to get used to it. As long as it continues, you will be stuck there.'

"Their Tibetan pal explained that they had become marooned in a bizarre spoof news story and that the whole thing, including the conversation he was having with Kristen and even the character of him himself - it was all in the mind and not really real in the usual sense of reality at all.

"'You too, kid', continued Tenzin, 'and Robert, and the bohemian apartment, it's all just a kind of fairy tale.

"'Why, even me, you can bet your ass that I'm far from real in any conventionally-understood sense of the word.'

"Kristen was shocked, of course. She would have sat down, but by this time there was no furniture left. In fact, there was no bohemian apartment left. Robert was there and so was she, but all else was a mere nothingness.

"'Hey, Tenzin, man, what gives?' she pleaded. 'What does it all mean, man?'

"'Like chill, baby', said Tenzin. 'It's all in the mind, dudes, all in the mind, that's all.'"

When we asked our source how it was that he came to know all of this, he replied, mysteriously: "I don't know. These things just happen. Shit happens. I mean, if this is all part of a wierd spoof news story, then how can we know or do anything about anything?"

We were forced to concur, being no more than characters in the very same ludicrous spoof news story ourselves. Indeed, we were moved to muse: "Who are we? Why are we saying these things? Do we have a separate existence or are we mere vehicles?"

*Lewis Carroll's "real" name
**there is no such book as "Alice Through The Looking-Glass"
***there is no such book as "Alice In Wonderland"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

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