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Monday, 15 August 2005

Needing a new plotline for his 82nd sequel to the original Academy Award winning movie, actor Sylvester Stallone has decided to allow his character to fight against the other famous Rockys.

"Yo," said Rocky Balboa himself, "Ya sees, I gonna have my Rocky fight against Rocky from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show, real life boxer Rocky Marciano, and Rocky J. Squirrel. The background music ain't gonna be my theme song, but that great church song Rock of Ages cuz this fight will rock the ages!"

According to the ideas posed by Stallone and his creative crew, the four will enter the ring together and move towards a box in the center. They will then each draw a card from that box. The two with red cards will fight first, the two with blue cards will fight second. The winners will square off later in the climactic ending to the film (where screenwriter Stallone is sure to put himself beside the referee with his hands raised at the conclusion).

Asked why he picked these four opponents, Stallone said: "Let's list 'em in order and talk about 'em one by one."

"Rocky Marciano was a great fighter from the old days. He may be dead or sumthin' now, but I don't know about that. If he ain't dead, I'm sure he'd love to put on the gloves one more time. If he's gone, we'll have to get some actor to play him."

"Rocky J. Squirrel is something else. We're trying to see if we can sign up Bullwinkle to be his corner man or his cut man. Now, we can't allow Rocky to fly cuz that wouldn't be fair to the rest of us. We're also gonna let Boris and Natasha have parts where they try to get him to throw a fight or somethin'. Ya know, I think that I named my character after this guy cuz I used to watch him on Saturday morning cartoons. I'd always laugh when Bullwinkle tried to pull a rabbit out of a hat."

"Rocky Horror is gonna be a tough nut to crack. He's a Frankenstein monster and has thise huge, six pack on his chest. Tim Curry is gonna bring back Dr. Frank'n'furter to be his trainer. Susan Sarandon and Barry Bostwick also wanted to be in this one to run around in their underwear again, but they're just too old. I'm just hopin' that audiences won't throw toast at the screen or somethin' when they're watchin' this movie."

Asked what he would do if this movie is successful, Stallone said that "maybe next one, I'll fight against all of the famous Jasons or Freddys or somethin'. Yo', who knows whats gonna happen here?"

Principle filming is set to begin in September with a February 14 release planned. "Talia Shire can't do the movie, so I'm also gonna make this a romance and get me a new girl, so I thought I'd release this on Valentine's day. This ain't a chick flick or nothin', but I do want the ladies to come too."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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