Written by Neil Levine
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Topics: Lindsay Lohan, Women

Friday, 12 August 2005

Hempstead, New York---Lindsay Lohan, multi-talented star of "The Parent Trap" and "Mean Girls," and media icon to all sorts of Little Ladies, Young Women, Wild Child Dreamers, Hyped Up Everyday Wannabes and Teenage Drama Queens, is suffering through a nasty divorce featuring her parents with dirty accusations, vicious rumors, infighting, lawyers, bodyguards, shackles and worse.


In an effort to promote domestic peace and financial accountability, the Presiding Judge has issued a gag order on all concerned (apparently in addition to the shackles irritable and physically fit prone dad, Michael, has sported), but media leaks have made it clear Lindsay will testify on tape. Apparently, the lawyers believe she is going to put on a solid performance as a character witness to what clearly is a domestic tragedy. She is expected to testify that "it is just me against the world today. If I tried to make a difference, would it help anyway?"


One source of friction is Lindsay's money, a cornucopia of gold that her entire family wants to get their hands on: Momma Dina is her manager, taking a cut off the top. Dad is in jail for being a bad boy and needs and wants money. Lindsay's brother, Michael, has demanded that his allowance be not doubled, but tripled, with no curfew Saturday night and unlimited car rides to and from buddies houses and what he euphemistically calls fun opportunities.


The rest of the family, Aliana and Dakota, are also making unspecified demands, "Something I never had," to quote Dakota. "Changes!" is what Aliana is demanding.


The family pet, a dog who wants to remain nameless, has gotten into the act by putting in his bid for Lindsay's fortune. "I want crunchier dog biscuits and warm winter booties and a pooper scooper attendant at all times," he has said.

Upon being told all these little slights, Lindsay is expected to complain "I'm gonna be impossible. I'm gonna tell you I'm seeing Red. I'm living a bad dream. Somehow I've run right off track"

Mom is expected to suggest, "Girls just wanna have fun," even when things get emotional enough for screaming, yelling, crying... . You know the drill. Good dramatis personae practice


Protesters are expected to be outside hawking t-shirts, shorts and pants available with any album at a small extra charge.


Lindsay is expected to demand, "Honestly, Tell Me That It's Over."


She is expected to leave Court singing, "Yeah. Yeah. Get up. Get out Move on. There's no doubt I'm all wrong. You're right. It's all the same with you. I'm too thin, too fat. You ask why, so why, so why? On and on and on and on."


After listening to all the facts, complaints and petty schemes, the Presiding Judge is expected to At Long Last issue a Final Decree based on precedent and the law, not to mention All the endless Complaints he has to listen to.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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