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Thursday, 16 December 2010

image for Matt Cardle Not Gay! Shock Christmas Announcement!
Francis Albert Sinatra - Not Gay - The Last Of A Dying Breed. Or Is He?

This year's X-Factor winner, Matt Cardle, has shocked the music industry by announcing in his new book that he is not at all gay, and that he likes doing press-ups with ladies, as opposed to pumping iron.

Essex lad and former painter and decorator Matt stunned his legions of gay fans by announcing in his book that he was once a bit of a rock and roll bum, but that he isn't really turned on by bums. Unless they happen to be ladies' bums.

"This revelation has come as a bit of a shock to be honest," said gay rights campaigner, Charlotte Mandible. "He didn't appear to mind taking the gay vote on X-Factor, but then, when we really need a little payback for the cause, he denies he's a shirt lifter. It's all quite disturbing really."

Matt, who is expected to be an almost permanent fixture on our TV screens in the run up to Christmas, promoting his new book on such shows as Good Morning - What Time Is It? Not Very Tight Women, The Alan Titwank Show, and Dickinson's Real Deal, appears to remain unrepentant for refusing to ally himself with the gay cause.

Sources told SEN that Matt didn't really care about the gay vote on the X-Factor any more, because that's all history anyway, and he doesn't need those freaks because now he's a megastar.

Matt is hoping to steal the coveted Christmas number one slot, as he prepares to do battle with a CD/download of total silence, recorded by a fart running through a library wearing carpet slippers.

Experts predict that the silence will give the painter and decorator a run for his money.

Simon Cowell is still very rich.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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